Talk:Michael Sam/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: XXSNUGGUMSXX (talk · contribs) 03:18, 11 June 2014 (UTC)

Overview

Prose: See below

Sourcing: See below

Coverage: See below

Neutrality: See below

Stability: No issues

GA Result: Failed. Refs need to be fixed up, POV needs to be removed, and some bits could use expansion. Better luck next time.

Details

Lead

• If these three short paragraphs can't be expanded into more complete ones, I'd merge them into two longer paragraphs.
• I realize that "coming out" is a common term, but not quite everyone is automatically going to know what that means and it would seem more encyclopedic to say "revealed" or "announced" than "came out"
• "first active NFL player to have publicly come out"..... how about "first openly gay active NFL player"?

High school

• "drew attention for his strong performance against"..... the "strong" here seems POV, how about "drew attention for his challenge against"?
• Don't think we need to include that Michael Brockers is an "All-American" or Brockers' scholarship
• Rivals.com shouldn't be italicized
• Watch out for the short, incomplete paragraphs- expand or merge

College career

• "Kuligowski recruited other players near Hitchcock, which made him familiar with Sam" → "Kuligowski knew Sam through other recruits from Hitchcock"
• "He was also named a semifinalist" → "He also was a semifinalist"

Professional career

2014 NHL Draft

• the "round" is missing for "third" in "third- or fourth-round pick"
• "his performance in the NFL Scouting Combine in February 2014 was seen as disappointing"..... borderline POV, try "was less successful" rather than "was seen as disappointing"

• "He showed improvement at a public workout"..... more POV, try "He was more successful" rather than "showed improvement"

St. Louis Rams

• You don't need to link "President"
• Again, watch out for short, incomplete paragraphs

Personal life

• May as well include parents' full names. From what this gives, they are Michael Alan Sam, Sr. and Jo Ann Turner.
• Make note within article that he was born in Galveston, Texas
• Include the names of siblings if known
• "watched one of his older brothers die from a gunshot wound"..... "wound" is redundant here
• "she did not agree with those pursuits" → "she did not agree with such aspirations" or "she did not agree with such goals"
• I'd expand the second paragraph a bit
• The first two paragraphs should probably go in an "early life" section before the "high school" section.
• "He avoided talking to the media to avoid addressing rumors of his sexuality" → "He avoided talking to the media to avoid discussing his sexuality"
• "He came out to his father a week before coming out publicly" → "He confessed to his father a week he was gay before announcing it publicly"
• "wrote that his father, a self-described 'old-school ... man-and-a-woman type of guy', said 'I don't want my grandkids raised in that kind of environment.'" → "wrote that his father was a 'old-school ... man-and-a-woman type of guy', who said 'I don't want my grandkids raised in that kind of environment.'"
• ′ should be ' and ″ should be " per MOS:QUOTEMARKS
• "On February 9, 2014, he announced that he was gay in an interview with Chris Connelly on ESPN's Outside the Lines"..... kinda lengthy, let's try "Sam first publicly revealed he was gay to ESPN on February 9, 2014" instead.
• "At the time, no active player had ever come out publicly in NFL history" → "At the time, he was the first openly gay active player in NFL history"
• "Anti-gay activist Shirley Phelps-Roper and about 15 other members"..... if the exact number is unknown, just say "Anti-gay activist Shirley Phelps-Roper and other members"
• "an organization widely considered a hate group"..... while not quite POV, let's instead be more specific and say they are anti-LGBT
• "emotional reaction"..... the "emotional" bit doesn't really belong

Notes

• ESPN.com → ESPN

References

• Since there are many articles coming from common sources, I will group those altogether with singular refs when giving these points:

• "Familysearch.org" should read "FamilySearch" or "Family Search"
• "ESPN.com" should read ESPN
• "Sports.yahoo.com" should read Yahoo! Sports
• "AL.com" should read "Alabama" and not have italics if it is an online-only source
• "mutigers.com" should read "Mizzou Tigers" and not have italics if it is an online-only source
• If better sources than New York Daily News are available, I'd replace them
• "CNN.com" should read CNN
• "FoxSports.com" should read Fox Sports, and "Fox" shouldn't be capitalized for these refs
• The exclamation point is missing for Yahoo! News, and this should not be italicized as it is an online-only source
• ref#41 needs to be filled out