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Talk:Māori Battalion/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Anotherclown (talk · contribs) 06:03, 4 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Progression

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  • Version of the article when originally reviewed: [1]
  • Version of the article when review was closed: [2]

Technical review

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Criteria

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  • It is reasonably well written.
    a (prose): b (MoS):
    • You use the word "however" quite a lot in the article (like I sometimes do), perhaps consider purging a few. I have made a few suggestions below along these lines, but you might consider further revisions through out the article as well.
    • "...by some Māori MPs and Māori organisations...", abbreviation used without formal introduction.
    • Wording here: "...Māori organisations throughout the country wanting a full Māori unit to be raised for service overseas...", perhaps consider "...Māori organisations throughout the country which wanted a full Māori unit to be raised for service overseas..."
    • Wording here also: "The Māori Battalion followed in the footsteps of the Māori Pioneer Battalion that served during the First World War which had been very successful...", perhaps consider: "The Māori Battalion followed in the footsteps of the Māori Pioneer Battalion that served during the First World War with success..."
    • Repetition here: "In mid-1939, as war in Europe began to be seen as inevitable, Sir Apirana Ngata began ...", specifically "began" used twice. Perhaps reword?
    • Wording here: "This decision was met with some consternation, however, assurances were made...", specifically you have used "however" a few times so you might consider rewording. Perhaps: "This decision was met with some consternation, yet assurances were made..." (suggestion only).
    • "...units that had already formed as part of the 2nd New Zealand Expeditionary Force and from new recruits...", you should probably introduce the abbreviation "2NZEF" here, like this: "...units that had already formed as part of the 2nd New Zealand Expeditionary Force (2NZEF) and from new recruits..."
    • "...for these positions in the new battalion...", perhaps more simply: "...for positions in the new battalion..." (suggestion only).
    • "...from Rotorua, Bay of Plenty and Thames–Coromandel...", should this be "...from Rotorua, the Bay of Plenty and Thames–Coromandel..."?
    • "...however, this was punctuated by medical inspections, dental treatment and ceremonial duties surrounding the commemoration of the Treaty of Waitangi...", consider instead: "...however, this was punctuated by medical inspections and dental treatment, as well as ceremonial duties surrounding the commemoration of the Treaty of Waitangi..."
    • "...as the unit was short of men to serve in roles such as clerks, drivers, signallers, etc. as the majority of personnel were drawn from mainly rural backgrounds...", consider rewording as such: "...as the unit was short of men to serve in roles such as clerks, drivers and signallers, as the majority of personnel were drawn from rural backgrounds..."
    • "During this time limited training was undertaken, however, upon invitation they fielded a rugby team against a Welsh side at Langley Park, although they ended up losing 12–3...", consider instead: "During this time limited training was undertaken, although upon invitation they fielded a rugby team against a Welsh side at Langley Park, losing 12–3..."
    • Typo here: "...and the New Zealanders were consequent spread thin...", I think this should be "consequently".
    • Punctuation here: "It was in the Petra Pass, alongside the 22nd Battalion that the...", consider: "It was in the Petra Pass, alongside the 22nd Battalion, that the..." (paired comma)
    • These couple of sentences seem a little heavy with jargon: "The move was time critical because the intention was to blow a bridge up just after the battalion had withdrawn across it in order to delay the German advance. In the end it was a close run thing, for the engineers tasked with carrying out the demolition were about to call fire on when the battalion arrived shortly after 3:00 am." Perhaps consider rewording in places? (suggestion only).
    • "...had just enough time to complete its digging in...", consider more simply: "...had just enough time to dig in..."
    • Typo here I think: "...before receiving the order to that they were to move their position..."
    • "...the battalion withdrew back towards Athens...", consider more simply: "...the battalion withdrew towards Athens..."
    • "...some of them were able to make their own way...", consider more simply: "...some were able to make their own way..."
    • Missing word here: "...on the beach about 0.5 miles (0.80 km). A platoon..."
    • "A platoon was dispatched to carry out an attack upon them...", consider more simply: "A platoon was dispatched to attack them..."
    • "...the 22nd Battalion who was defending the airfield...", consider "...the 22nd Battalion which was defending the airfield.."
    • "Late in the day, hard pressed, the 22nd requested reinforcements and the 5th Infantry Brigade commander, Brigadier J. Hargest, sent one company from the 23rd and one from the 28th...", consider instead: "Hard pressed, the 22nd requested reinforcements late in the day, and the 5th Infantry Brigade commander, Brigadier J. Hargest, sent one company from the 23rd and one from the 28th..."
    • "11 hours later the company", I think this should be "Eleven hours later the company..." (number to start a sentence per WP:MOSNUM).
    • "On 30 May the final order was received, however, due to shipping losses it was not possible to evacuate everyone...", consider: "On 30 May the final order was received, although due to shipping losses it was not possible to evacuate everyone..."
    • "After their escape from Crete, the 28th (Māori) Battalion were evacuated...", consider "After their escape from Crete, the 28th (Māori) Battalion was evacuated..."
    • Punctuation here: "including the commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel George Dittmer and two company commanders...", consider "including the commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel George Dittmer, and two company commanders..." (paired comma)
    • Consider wikilinking Gazala.
    • Punctuation here: "The battalion's commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel Charles Bennett also received ...", consider "The battalion's commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel Charles Bennett, also received..." (paired comma)
    • This sentence is a little clumsy IMO: "The village was situated atop a steep slope, and due to heavy concentrations of indirect fire and landmines, which wounded a number of men, including the commanding officer,[73] the attack stalled." Consider instead: "The village was situated atop a steep slope, and the attack stalled due to heavy concentrations of indirect fire and landmines, which wounded a number of men, including the commanding officer."
    • "...however, each time Manahi led his small force in a counterattack...", consider instead: "yet each time Manahi led his small force in a counterattack..."
    • Inconsistent presentation here: "The battalion returned to Egypt with the 5th Brigade...", in previous places you use "5th Infantry Brigade".
    • Inconsistent presentation of units: in places you use 5th Infantry Brigade and others 5th Brigade, also 2nd New Zealand Division in places and in other New Zealand 2nd Division or just New Zealand Division.
    • Missing word here: "Eighth Army's forward units had reached the Sangro in early November...", should this be "The Eighth Army's forward units had reached the Sangro in early November..."?
    • "...had planned for Montgomery to strike across...", Montgomery's full name and rank should be used at first instance per WP:SURNAME.
    • "Montgomery in secrecy shifted the Indian division...", consider instead: "In secrecy Montgomery shifted 8th Indian Division..."
    • "...they arrived to find 23 Battalion and...", should this be "23rd Battalion" for consistency with other battalion names used in the article (such as 21st Battalion)?
    • Likewise "...6 Brigade assaulted Orsogna...", should be "6th Brigade" (or perhaps even "6th Infantry Brigade"?).
    • "Meanwhile the difficult terrain prevented tracked vehicles from moving across...", this language is a little repetitive (as you have already used "meanwhile" earlier in the paragraph).
    • "After this the New Zealanders were transferred to the Fifth Army for its advance up the west coast of Italy towards Rome...", consider instead: "The New Zealanders were subsequently transferred to the Fifth Army for its advance up the west coast of Italy towards Rome
    • "...the Māori Battalion's next main engagement came...", consider instead "...the Māori Battalion's next major engagement came..."
    • This seems a little informal to me: "Following this life settled down for the Māoris and time...", perhaps "Following this the routine of the battalion became more settled and time..." (suggestion only).
    • Also a little informal here I think: "...drafts of men were farewelled from the battalion in order of their arrival at the battalion, and this included the commanding officer...", consider: "...drafts of men departed in the order of their arrival at the battalion, including the commanding officer..."
    • Repetition here: "Sailing through the Suez Canal, they sailed..."
    • done. AustralianRupert (talk) 12:14, 5 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
    • "Throughout the course of the war, 3,600 men had joined the battalion...", consider: "Throughout the course of the war, 3,600 men had served in battalion."
    • Over linking of Moana-Nui-a-Kiwa Ngarimu and Haane Manahi.
  • It is factually accurate and verifiable.
    a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
    • All major points cited using WP:RS.
    • Consistent citation style used throughout.
    • No issues with OR.
    • One minor error in the References section:
  • It is broad in its coverage.
    a (major aspects): b (focused):
    • All major aspects appear to be covered without being too detailed.
  • It follows the neutral point of view policy.
    a (fair representation): b (all significant views):
    • No issues here.
  • It is stable.
    No edit wars etc.:
    • All recent edits look constructive.
  • It contains images, where possible, to illustrate the topic.
    a (tagged and captioned): b (Is illustrated with appropriate images): c (non-free images have fair use rationales): d public domain pictures appropriately demonstrate why they are public domain:
    • Images used are all in the public domain and seem appropriate for the article.
  • Overall:
    a Pass/Fail:
    • This article is quite good in my opinion, although there are a few places where the prose could be improved a little. I can see no issues that would prevent its promotion following a copy edit. As always I'm happy to discuss any points you disagree with. Good to see a bit of NZ content, even if its written by an Aussie. Anotherclown (talk) 10:28, 5 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
      • Hi, I really appreciate you giving this such a thorough review. Apologies for the state it was in, I thought it was in much better shape. Please let me know if you think that there is anything more that needs doing. Cheers, AustralianRupert (talk) 12:14, 5 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Additional points

  • Gday. No problems at all - fresh eyes always help. Those changes look quite good and I'm very happy with how this article has progressed. Nearly there but I have a couple of other points:
    • The lead should probably be expanded a little. Happy with only two paragraphs, but I think the second paragraph should be expanded by one or two sentences to very briefly discuss the performance and reputation of the battalion during its operational service.
    • I'm still not entirely satisfied by this sentence: "Montgomery in secrecy shifted the Indian division to the right to narrow the V Corps front and concentrate its power, bringing the newly arrived 2nd New Zealand Division into the gap." I made a suggestion above but I think you may have missed it. Pls see below:
      • My original suggestion was "consider instead: "In secrecy Montgomery shifted 8th Indian Division...""
      • However in retrospect I'm not happy with that either, perhaps instead: "Montgomery shifted the 8th Indian Division to the right in secret to narrow the V Corps front and concentrate its power, bringing the newly arrived 2nd New Zealand Division into the gap." Thoughts?
      • Of course this last point is hardly a war stopper so feel free to tell me I'm being pedantic and I'll drop it. Cheers again. Anotherclown (talk) 11:28, 6 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Those changes are spot on, always good to work with someone sane. Passing now, well done. Anotherclown (talk) 13:06, 6 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

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