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Talk:Linvoy Primus/GA1

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GA Review

[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: -- BigDom 19:22, 25 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

[edit]
Lead
  • The first line reads as though he was a former charity worker.
  • In the final sentence, "entitled" is the wrong word; it should be "titled"
Attempted both Spiderone 13:51, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Early life
  • This section seems OK
Club career
  • Since he did not have an international career, maybe this section should be titled "Football career"
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The early career section implies that Maidstone United and Dover Athletic are schoolboy teams, which is incorrect.
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The match took place at temporary stadium Upton Park". This reads like Upton Park itself was a temporary stadium.
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "was awarded the man of the match award". Avoid repetition of "award" here.
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Primus would make two further first team appearances in the 1992–93 season but soon found himself lower down in the pecking order after other players returned from injury" – not keen on the change of tense in this sentence. I suggest changing the start to "Primus made two further..."
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Unfortunately for Primus," ---> "However,"
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Give the full names of Dorchester Town and Exeter City at the start of the Portsmouth section.
Done Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Unfortunately, Gilmore's groin..." – unfortunately is not really a word for an encyclopedia. Suggest just writing "Gilmore's groin...". In the same sentence, "five months in November" doesn't really make sense either.
Done, replaced 'in' with 'from' Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "against Peterborough." ---> "against Peterborough United"
Done and link Spiderone 14:03, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "first Premiership season" – earlier you called it the Premier League and readers unfamiliar with English football may not realise that they are the same thing. Also, you have said that Portsmouth won Division One, but again readers unfamiliar with football wouldn't know that this entailed promotion to the Premier League.
Done Spiderone 14:26, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Don't use the nickname Pompey in an encyclopedic article, as I have said before full team names should be used.
Done Spiderone 14:26, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "impressed greatly" – who did he impress greatly?
Done, was POV Spiderone 14:36, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "on a Boxing Day in 2006" – there was only one Boxing Day in 2006
Done Spiderone 14:36, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The Charlton loan section needs expanding; at the moment it reads as though he scored in the Sheffield United match and then returned to Portsmouth. It at least needs to say how many games he played for Charlton
Added some details Spiderone 15:02, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Personal life
  • I would suggest moving some of the content to its own "Charitable work" section as in the Clarke Carlisle Good Article.
Done Spiderone 14:36, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the lead it says that Primus has three children, yet only two names are given here. Is anything known about a third child or was it a typo in the lead?
I think it was vandalism Spiderone 13:51, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "the Alpha Course, which are run" – doesn't read right because Alpha Course is single but "are" suggests a plural
Done Spiderone 14:36, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Other
  • Just a minor point really, but at the bottom of a page there is a succession box for the Portsmouth Player of the Year. The article says that he was Barnet's player of the Year for 1996–97 so would it be possible to have another succession box for this?
Done Spiderone 14:09, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Another minor aesthetic point: The photo in the infobox takes up about half the width of my monitor so maybe it should be made just a touch smaller.
Now 300 px Spiderone 14:09, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Throughout the article, team names really need to be given in full and nicknames should definitely be avoided. This is just to make it accessible to readers who don't follow English football.

Overall, this is a fairly well-written article with just a few points to sort out before I'd be happy to pass this as a GA. -- BigDom 08:12, 26 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Comments have all been suitably addressed so I'm happy to pass this as a Good Article. Well done! -- BigDom 18:14, 27 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
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