Talk:Joyce Mojonnier

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Issues for improvement

As part of GOCE Backlog elimination drive for March 2024, I will attempt some cleanup for this article. This may be overkill, but I'm a novice; so I made a list of issues to fix, with rationale. These include:

Spruce up lede, to make it more like similar entries Done
Improve readability of content, convert 'listing' into prose (or proper list?) Done

I condensed "Career" section, and added a short list of notable legislation passed — Yogabear2020 (talk) 17:18, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Add section, differentiate "Legislative accomplishments" from "Further" (after leaving office) Done

I added section "Other contributions" — Yogabear2020 (talk) 17:18, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Tweak section on California Medical Assistance Commission, less about org (remove extraneous)

Done (see note below) — Yogabear2020 (talk) 18:00, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Condense last section on WPIC, remove not-pertinent, extraneous (off-topic, about orgs, not person)

Done (but see note below) — Yogabear2020 (talk) 18:00, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Improve tone, to be less like advert/promo (last section) & more NPOV (first section, remove peacocking when describing accomplishments)

Done (but see note below) — Yogabear2020 (talk) 18:00, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I'll try to tick off tasks as they are accomplished. -- Yogabear2020 (talk) 14:15, 9 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Off-topic material (and not NPOV?)

One section seems to contain material that is off-topic (more about the role than the person), wordy (not notable), and sometimes not quite NPOV (unduly "flattering", per WP:IMPARTIAL). The subjective statements, if true, are also not clearly sourced. Here is the text in question:

The goal of the Commission is to promote efficient and cost-effective Medi-Cal programs through a system of negotiated contracts fostering competition and maintaining access to quality health care for beneficiaries. She was responsible for review and oversight of approximately 90 of the 275 hospital contracts annually. Performance of these responsibilities resulted in the following: establishment of contracts for services securing quality medical care for medi-cal recipients with approximately 90 hospital providers annually, establish an estimated $1 billion annual savings for the State General Fund, as well as development and implementation of the managed care system.

I will try to rephrase as part of an overall copy-edit. -- Yogabear2020 (talk) 17:21, 9 March 2024 (UTC) Done[reply]

I have removed the section above, leaving this section to read:

After leaving office, Mojonnier was appointed by Assembly Speaker Willie Brown in 1992 to serve as a commissioner on the California Medical Assistance Commission, a state office that directs and reviews proposed contracts for Medi-Cal services.

The rest of the text seems more appropriate for an article on the CMAC itself. Any claims about Mojonnier's specific role aren't clearly made, or sourced; the Commission is a group, not an individual. — Yogabear2020 (talk) 18:07, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Material removed

I removed some material from the "Career" section:

and successfully competed for tax dollars needed to safeguard interests of San Diego and the 55miles of California coastline, protecting and improving quality of life in the 75th Assembly District.

This seems to general to be sourced; and the info about the 75th District is available there.

I also removed (and condensed) some of the material about the WICP:

Video-recorded oral histories are being produced and memorabilia is being collected from these female former members of the legislature, with the goal in mind that a museum is in the not so distant future. 2018 is the Centennial of women elected to serve in the California Legislature.

Again, it also seems more relevant to an article on the org itself. (And I removed material that 'announced' the Museum opening, which was dated, like an advert, and obviously not relevant here. All of this is probably not going to be controversial: just trying to do due diligence.) — Yogabear2020 (talk) 18:34, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

"Career" section : citations needed?

Some legislation, or it's 'intent' (what it hoped to accomplish), isn't clearly sourced. I added a few sources, but found it difficult to find others quickly, given the pre-Internet time frame. Some descriptions of 'intent' could probably even be cut? without a source.

If someone has the time, or interest, here is one website that has the gov't records of California legislature/legislation (including 1982-1990), with 'hard copy' pdf-scans of gov't documents. Keyword search "Mojonnier".

https://digitalcommons.law.ggu.edu/

— Yogabear2020 (talk) 19:12, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]