Talk:Jamie Beaton/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Spinixster (talk · contribs) 01:52, 6 March 2024 (UTC)

Thanks for the start Spinixter. Give yourself some credit, I am sure you will be a great reviewer. It is not a complex bio so we should be okay! I'll start working on the feedback you left already. I do need to link those sources. I have been through a few GA's and I am always willing to act on feedback. Thanks! — MaxnaCarta  ( 💬 • 📝 ) 02:25, 6 March 2024 (UTC)

This may be a little out of my league, but I'll be reviewing this. Comments are coming shortly, but I'll do the basics first.

• Copyvios: 9.9%, no issues because parts are common phrases.
• Sources: seems reliable, no red flags. I suggest linking the website of all the sources like the others (if there are ones), for example, Stuff to Stuff (website), National Business Review, etc.
  • Source 11 erroneously wikilinks to The New Zealand Herald (it is Stuff (website).)

Here are my comments.

• Lead:
  • I would expand the lead to include more information about Beaton per WP:LEAD, but that's not really needed fpr GA.
  • The lead says the company is Crimson Education, but the next sentence says the company is Crimson Consulting. Crimson Consulting is not mentioned anywhere else in the article. Is this another name for the company, or an error? If the former, it should probably be clarified.

Y Done!

• Early life and education
  • The lead and infobox says that Beaton was born in 1995, but the information is not found in the body of the article.

Y - Well, I actually don't have a reliable source for his year of birth. I just know it's 1995 due to the age he is at certain years. But without a reliable source, it will be removed.

• • His mother separated from his father while she was pregnant with Beaton. Beaton's father was not involved in his upbringing. Both parents later remarried. The sentences, especially the latter ones, are quite short and could benefit from being merged.

Y done, now reads Beaton's mother separated from his father during her pregnancy and, subsequently, Beaton was raised without his father's involvement; later, both parents remarried.

• • Beaton joined Young Mensa and became its national coordinator. He also attended King's College on an academic scholarship. I suggest moving the second sentence to the front and clarified that he joined Young Mensa outside of school, per source. Currently, I think the sentences imply that he joined Young Mensa first and attended King's College later. I would also clarify that Young Mensa is a society.

Y Done

• • Beaton went on to study and complete six degrees, including a bachelor's degree and master's degree from Harvard University (graduating in 2016) and a DPhil from Oxford University, as a Rhodes Scholar. This sentence is unsourced. I would also clarify what a DPhil is (or just state that it's a Doctor of Philosophy degree instead of an acronym, like the other degrees) and remove brackets so that it's more formal.

Y removed as there is actually no appropriate source confirming the completion of a dphil anyway

• • He took three years to complete his bachelor's and master's degrees in applied mathematics from Harvard, with the typical time to complete the course being five years. Instead of a separate sentence, you can merge parts of the last sentence with it, ex. Beaton went on to study and complete six degrees, including a bachelor's degree and master's degree in applied mathematics from Harvard University, which took three years rather than the customary five years, and graduated in 2016. and continue with the other degrees.

Y Done

• • He also earned two degrees from Stanford University and he received a master's degree in global affairs from Tsinghua University in Beijing. Remove the second "he" as it's not needed.

Y Done

• • He is completing a seventh degree at Yale Law School. Per MOS:REALTIME, I'd say that the information is true as of the source's date, ex. As of 2022, ...

Y Done

• Business
  • I suggest making the first sentence clearer and more concise, ex. In 2013, Beaton founded Crimson Education, a company that helps to prepare students for admission to prestigious universities, with Fangzhou Jiang and Sharndre Kushor.

Y Done

• • The source says the company is valued at 60 million in New Zealand dollars, not 70, with Beaton's share prized at around 40.5 million. Saying that Beaton owns just under half of its shares would be original research since the source does not say he owns under half of its shares. It does say that Beaton is the company's biggest shareholder, so that can work instead.

Y Done

• • Customers of Crimson Education have reportedly paid tens of thousands of dollars for tutoring services when attempting to gain entry to an Ivy League school. I would also remove "tens of" so that it's more natural.

Y Done

• • Suggest merging the second and third paragraphs together as one-sentence paragraphs are not encouraged.

Y Done

• • Crimson Education chose not to comment on the assault claim filed by Beaton. Regarding the litigation, Crimson stated it was not unusual for companies like Crimson to "experience some commercial litigation". Remove "Regarding the litigation" so that it's less repetitive.

Y Done!

• Personal life and politics
  • After losing the 2020 election, the centre-right New Zealand National Party announced a review into its election campaign, and Beaton sat on the review panel. The sentence is confusing. Try something like Beaton sat on the review panel of the centre-right New Zealand National Party's election campaign after the party lost the 2020 election.

Y Done!

That's all for now. I'll be putting this review on hold. Spinixster (chat!) 09:38, 6 March 2024 (UTC)

@Spinixster all done, thanks for the comments. — MaxnaCarta  ( 💬 • 📝 ) 02:04, 16 March 2024 (UTC)

Thanks for addressing my concerns. I just have another thing that I didn't notice in my first review. The lead says: Since founding the firm, Beaton had acquired several other enterprises which operated in partnership with Crimson Education., but the body does not seem to say that Beaton has acquired other enterprises, and per MOS:LEAD the lead should reflect what's in the article. Can this be clarified and/or changed? Spinixster (chat!) 07:35, 16 March 2024 (UTC)

Done, thanks @Spinixster I removed that — MaxnaCarta  ( 💬 • 📝 ) 04:37, 19 March 2024 (UTC)

Alright, passing now. Spinixster (chat!) 07:26, 19 March 2024 (UTC)

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.