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GA Review

[edit]
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Reviewing
This review is transcluded from Talk:Jack Macrae/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Harper J. Cole (talk · contribs) 11:12, 2 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]


I'll take on this review, as part of the July 2021 Backlog Drive.--Harper J. Cole (talk) 11:12, 2 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you very much for taking on this review! Doggo375 (talk) 07:15, 3 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

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  • [he plays as a ball-winning midfielder] Wikilink midfielder
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 07:15, 3 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 07:15, 3 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Early career

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  • Sports bios usually have a paragraph on the player's early life. It could be a separate section, or just included at the start of the Early Career section. Family, first interest in Football, that sort of thing. This article might be a source.[1]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:07, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • Sources 4 and 5 appear to be the same article, hosted in two different places - only one needs to be cited.
 Done~- Good pickup there, I didn't notice that one when I initially expanded the article. Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [coached by former North Melbourne player David King, where under his guidance he won the best and fairest] A bit awkward, how about "coached by former North Melbourne player David King; under his guidance Macrae won the best and fairest"
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'd also wikilink to Best and fairest - non-Australian readers might not know the term.
 Done - And linked to it in the lead as well. Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [46 point semi-finals win] Should be hyphenated as "46-point win", unless the grammar is different for Australian sports. Based on a quick search, it looks like the hyphen is standard in Australia for point margins. There are too many instances like this in the article for me to list them all; if you agree they need changing, can I suggest that you use ctrl+f, search for "point" and correct them that way?
 Done - I agree with you on that one. I've changed all instances of this occurring in the article. Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [the Oakleigh Chargers best finals player] Possessive apostrophe needed (Chargers')
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:22, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

2013–2015: Early career

[edit]
  • ["You have to earn your right to play senior footy and first of all you have got to train well and prepare well,"] Full stop at the end of this quote, rather than a comma.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [In Augusty of the 2013 season] Meant to be "August"?
 Done - Yikes, one of my sillier mistakes one there, thanks for picking that one up. Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [breaking his record from the 2013 season] I'd suggest "beating his personal best", to make it clear that it's not a league record he's broken.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Just two rounds later, Macrae was again named best on ground in the team's 2 point win over Richmond just two rounds later in Round 3.] Repetition of "just two rounds later".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [picked up the 2 votes twice] Stray word ("the").
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [With the Bulldogs making the finals for the first time since 2010,] Is there a citation for the Bulldogs finals drought?
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [IN April that year,] Stray capital N.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He was kept out of the team for the next two rounds, despite a 37 disposal, 6 tackle game for the reserves team.] I'd suggest swapping "the next two rounds" for "the 8th round", as his strong reserves performance presumably happened too late to give him a shot at playing in Round 7, however good it was?
checkmark Semi-done - I've re-worded that part of the sentence to make a bit more sense than it was previously. Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [and also got 6 marks and 4 tackles] A bit awkward. I'd recommend "and he also got" or "and also featured".
checkmark Semi-done - Reworded as "while also getting" Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Despite placing second in the best and fairest voting the previous year,] This fact should instead be in the previous chapter, as it pertains to the 2014 season.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 00:18, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

2016–2017: Premiership glory

[edit]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [where they broke a 62-year premiership drought from 7th place on the ladder.] Citation needed for the 62-year drought.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [never head under] Typo: "had".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He earned 1 brownlow vote] Capitalise "Brownlow".
 Done - And fixed all other instances of this occurring in the article. Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [In Round 12 he had a hamstring scare, but managed to play the next week without missing the game.] I think you can drop "without missing the game", as that's already implied.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Macrae showed nerves of steel] A trifle poetic for an encyclopedia - simply "held his nerve" may be better (unless you're quoting someone).
 Done - I think this part was a remnant from the article before I expanded it. Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He was named in the preliminary 22under22 squad] When you mentioned this earlier, it was written "22 Under 22".
 Done - changed to "22 Under 22". Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [becoming a ball magnet] Again, a bit informal for an encyclopedia.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [one of the best players for the Bulldogs'] You don't need the possessive apostrophe here.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He earned 2 brownlow votes] Capitalise "Brownlow".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Just like Round 14,] No need to refer back to Round 14, as this was established in the previous sentence. I'd suggest "In Round 15," instead (or whichever round number this is).
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [after he hit a purple patch] Here "as he hit a purple patch" feels more natural (Rounds 22 and 23 being part of that purple patch).
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [earned two brownlow votes] Capitalise "Brownlow".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [the Bulldogs best and fairest voting] Possessive apostrophe on "Bulldogs'"
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 02:53, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

2018–: All-Australian success

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  • This section is running a bit long. Can it be split?
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:26, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [moving into the elite category of footballers] Citation needed for this.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He was named Macrae had close to his best game] It looks like the first three words can be deleted.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Round 7 saw him have a day out against Gold Coast,] Again, "have a day out" is a bit informal for Wikipedia.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [saw him nab the 3 Brownlow votes] Here, "nab all 3" reads more naturally.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [places the team above the themself in games] Should be "places the team above themselves".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Macrae had 36 disposals a and a goal] Superfluous "a".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He earned 3 brownlow votes for his performance] Capitalise "Brownlow".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [being given the two Brownlow Medal votes] Superfluous "the".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [This game would see him kickstart consecutive Brownlow vote winning performances from Round 20 - 23, greatly pushing him into Brownlow Medal contention.] A little confusing, as Round 19 was also part of the run. How about, "This game would see him kickstart a run of five consecutive Brownlow vote winning performances, greatly pushing him into Brownlow Medal contention."
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Macrae was also named as the Bulldogs' best in their disapponting Elimination Finals loss to Greater Western Sydney,] Wikilink Elimination Finals loss.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the fourth paragraph of this section, there's one group of five consecutive citations, and another of four. Going by Wikipedia:Citation overkill, you don't need more than two for this, as it's non-controversial information.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [All-Australian temmate Bontempelli] Typo: "teammate".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [He also led the league for most disposals averaged per game, averaging 33.4 disposals over his 23 games that season.] Citation for this stat?
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [establishing himself as one of the most impressive players in the game that season] A bit subjective - the list of awards in the next paragraph speaks for itself, I think?
 Done - Good point you've made here, I've decided to just remove the line altogether.
  • [he wore his number at the Bulldogs, number 11.] Not sure this is noteworthy. Needs a capital H if you keep it in.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Western Bulldogs' 4 goal win over Greater Western Sydney] Victory margins have been given in points, not goals, throughout the article.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [he also collected 5 marks and a game-high 7 tackles.] Capital H needed.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [earned another 2 brownlow votes] Capitalise "Brownlow".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [earning him two brownlow votes] Capitalise "Brownlow".
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • [Fellow Bulldogs Caleb Daniel and Marcus Bontempelli were also named.] This isn't needed in an article about Macrae (Daniel and Bontempelli have their own articles).
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • There are three sets of triple citations in the penultimate paragraph - again, try and slim these to one or two.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 06:02, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Personal life

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  • Sports biographies usually end with a Personal Life section. Romantic entanglements, charity work, interests outside Football, sponsorship deals, etc.
 Done Doggo375 (talk) 01:07, 5 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Summary

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  • That should be about everything done Harper J. Cole - Let me know if it needs anymore fixing. If it does, I may take a few days to do so as I am going away for 3 days. Thanks very much for doing such a quick job on this review! Doggo375 (talk) 06:07, 8 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

.

  1. ^ "Emerging Western Bulldogs midfielder Jack Macrae has drawn big comparisons in a short period". Herald Sun. 11 April 2014.
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