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GA Review

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Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: BelovedFreak 16:08, 6 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for criteria)
  1. It is reasonably well written.
    a (prose): b (MoS):
    Looks ok now, a copyedit still recommended.
  2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.
    a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
    Issues resolved.
  3. It is broad in its coverage.
    a (major aspects): b (focused):
    Issues resolved.
  4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.
    Fair representation without bias:
    Ok.
  5. It is stable.
    No edit wars, etc.:
    Looks stable.
  6. It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
    a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
  7. Overall:
    Pass/Fail:

Prose and MoS

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Some serious work needed on prose. As it's not a long article, this shouldn't be too big a problem to sort out. Some WP:MOS issues too. I'll work through each section. Some of these points are more minor.

Overall

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Lead

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  • "The episode follows Peter as he teaches his daughter Meg how to drive, and ultimately crash..." - does he teach her to crash, or just to drive? I gather that his bad teaching causes her to crash, but this sentence is saying that he is actually teaching her to crash, which is different. If that's the case, then that's fine.
  • A question based purely on my ignorance: does a satellite tower provide cable television? I always understood them to be different. If they are indeed different, then this is a little unclear in this article as both are mentioned. Otherwise, just ignore this point!
  • "Peter begins to go insane..." - is the word insane actually used in the episode? Does he feel that he's going "insane"? It's a vague word really, and means different things to different people. It can also cover a wide range of feelings and behaviours depending on who's using the word, so is not very clear. This is a small point but perhaps a better word could be found.
  • The lead does not comply with the MOS because at the moment, it does not adequately summarise the rest of the article. (WP:LEAD) I know that the production and reception sections are not long, but they could do with more than one sentence each in the lead, and the cultural references section is not summarised at all.
  • Remember also that the lead shouldn't mention anything not expanded on later on, so the release / airing of the episode needs to be mentioned somewhere.

Plot

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  • Please specify that Lois is Peter's wife.
  • "which later causes her to fail her driving test the next day." - we don't need "later" and "the next day".
  • Please spell out Department of Motor Vehicles (especially for your non-US readers)
  • "On their way home from the DMV, Peter notices, while driving, that..." - this is almost a redundancy and could be worded better. Something like As Peter drives them home from the DMV he notices that...
  • "Causing him to become distracted, he crashes..." → Distracted, he crashes
  • "Panicing" - spellcheck?
  • "Peter convinces Meg to take the fall" - "take the fall" is informal. It could possibly be used, in quotation marks, if these are the actual words he uses, otherwise would be better reworded.
  • "Lois becomes furious at Peter for placing the blame" - either Lois becomes furious with Peter for placing the blame or Lois becomes furious at Peter's placing the blame
  • "she rats out Peter as the one" - again, "rats out" is too informal
  • "...causing the town to turn on him instead. In an attempt to save Peter..." - it's not clear what she is "saving" him from. Are the townspeople coming after him? Physically attacking him? Are they just bad mouthing him? Has he just lost his reputation? If so, "saves" may be too strong.
  • "Inspired by the speech, Peter takes it to heart, dragging the family..." - bit of redundancy here. What about Inspired by the speech, Peter drags the family
  • "dragging the family to one activity after another, causing the family..." - repetition of "family" could be avoided.
  • "...become extremely exhausted." - "exhausted" doesn't need to be qualified by "extremely". It's one of those ones where you either are or you aren't.
  • "Once the family can no longer keep up with him, Peter decides to go off..." - this whole sentence needs to be clearer. Why's Shatner turned up, is there any explanation for that? Try to reword it to something along the lines of The family can no longer keep up with Peter and when William Shatner appears on their doorstep, Peter decides to go to a nearby festival with him. It's hard to think what exactly to put here, not having seen the episode, but it needs to be a bit clearer somehow.
  • "Stewie's weather machine causes a huge rainstorm, causing Meg..." - repetition of "cause"; can it be avoided? This sentence should perhaps be split anyway. How about something like Meanwhile, Stewie's weather machine creates a huge rainstorm. While Meg is practicing driving, the storm causes her to accidentally hit Shatner and Peter, killing Shatner and hospitalizing Peter.

Production

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  • First sentence... well, it needs to be reworded because it doesn't make sense. I'll attempt a suggestion, although I may be missing the point of the sentence somehow: "I Never Met the Dead Man" is the second episode of the first season of Family Guy and the first for writer Chris Sheridan, who later became the show's executive producer. It was directed by former King of the Hill director Michael Dante DiMartino, also in his first Family Guy episode. Is this kind of what you meant?
  • I'm not sure about the next sentence at all. I don't see how DiMartino going on to another show is directly relevant to this Family Guy episode. (see GA criterion no. 3b)
  • "In interviews and on the DVD commentary of season one, MacFarlane explained..." - you don't need to mention the interviews & commentary, just start with "MacFarlane..."
  • "MacFarlane explained..." - why explained? What explanation is needed. It almost looks like this sentence is explaining why they were lent an office. Just have "MacFarlane said..." You don't have to worry about finding creative ways to say "said"; the vast majority of the time "said" is the most neutral word to use, and the least noticeable.
  • "MacFarlane later explained..." - same thing. In fact, here you could say The team later dropped the naming convention
  • Are there any guest stars in the episode? You should probably mention Seth MacFarlane playing Shatner here, rather than the next section.

Cultural references

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  • This section looks very "choppy" and reads like a disjointed list.
    • Done, better organized it and expanded slightly.
  • "Lois spots Stewie in the yard, playing with a toy Sesame Street phone, featuring the voice of Ernie, who then appears on the other end of the phone." - it's hard to visualise what's going on here. Presumably it's a toy phone that appears to have the voice of Ernie on the other end. Does the "real" Ernie then appear?
    • No, it is only his voice. Fixed.
  • "Once Meg asks her mother..." → When Meg asks her mother; end the sentence after "take her driving instead."
  • Peter refuses in order to continue watching an episode of Star Trek. Actor William Shatner, (MacFarlane), then appears on the screen. (assuming you've already mentioned MacFarlane above.) Is this all there is to say about Star Trek references? The review cited seems to say that there are several, and isn't Shatner appearing, and subsequently being killed, more significant than him just appearing on television? Maybe you could expand on this a little.
    • Shatner appears at the beginning of the episode on the Griffin family's television in an actual episode of Star Trek. This appearance is seperate from his actual physical appearance later in the episode when he is killed.
  • "Going to the Drunken Clam, Brian implies..." - is this definitely an implication, or does he say it directly?
  • "Brian recounts Peter's attempt at giving up candy, having been unable to do so once he visited Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, and turned round and blue, in a similar fashion to Violet Beauregarde." - this sentence could be a little clearer. Who is he recounting the tale to? It's unclear why he turned round and blue. Is there a way of explaining this a bit more without getting too off track, in case readers aren't familiar with Willy Wonka?
  • "spots two women talking over lunch, suggesting it is the television station Lifetime." - at first, I was going to ask for a citation here, because I didn't realise it was Peter making the suggestion. Could this be clearer? eg. Peter walks around town and, when he spots two women talking over lunch, suggests that he is watching the television station Lifetime.; also, why is Lifetime in italics?
  • Is James Woods high school a real high school? Is there any reason to name it? Could it be the "local high school"? Otherwise, as the reader, I'm left wondering the significance. Can you find any WP:RS coverage of these cultural references with which you could add to this section with context / analysis?
  • Try to avoid the repetition of the word "suggest" in these few sentences.

Reception

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References

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Factually accurate/verifiable

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A few problems here.

Lead

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  • I'm not sure why there's a citation in the lead. The plot is not particularly contentious or controversial, and is referenced later on.
    • Done.
  • "and many cultural references" - does that review specifically praise the cultural references? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it didn't seem to to me. It does mention the cultural references, and praises the episode overall, but I'm not sure that it specifically praises it for it's cultural references.

Cultural references

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Reception

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  • "Reviews of the episode were highly positive" - is this accurate? There are two reviews mentioned here. one is positive, and one, apparently, is "slightly less positive". It's not clear exactly how "less positive" that second review is, and I can't check, but based on the evidence here, "reviews" were not highly positive. Now, the link for the second review is dead, but I'm not sure that it's a particularly reliable source. What exactly is Bob's Poetry Magazine, and how/why is it reliable? If it's not, then you're down to one review. if you can't find any others, you certainly can't talk about reviews (plural) being positive. you'll have to make it clear that you're talking about one review. Obviously, it would be better if you can find any more reviews.
  • "calling it "elaborate [and] creative." - this implies that the quote is about the episode, but it's not; it's about Stewie's plan. It can still be used, as it's the relevant episode, but make it clear that it's that particular bit of the episode being described.

On hold

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I'm placing the article on hold for seven days so that these issues can be addressed. Most importantly, the prose needs to be improved as it's not currently "reasonably well written", the lead needs a little expansion, and problems with references need to be sorted to ensure the article meets WP:V. I haven't actually made any changes to the article, even minor ones, as I want you to be aware of the problems that currently exist. I'll be happy to help later if needed.--BelovedFreak 18:01, 6 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]


Pass comments

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Thanks for the work you've put into this, despite not being the original nominator. I've done a slight copyedit. I see you've changed some of the content, but it appears to meet GA criteria now. I still highly recommend a copyedit from someone independent (preferably someone not familiar with the show). And in future, please, please don't put apostrophes in decades! A small MOS issue perhaps, but one of my pet hates! Anyway, good work; I'll pass it now.--BelovedFreak 20:21, 8 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you! Gage (talk) 20:23, 8 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]
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