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Talk:Hurricane Odile/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Hurricanehink (talk · contribs) 04:45, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]


That's up to the end of evacuations. Let me know if any of these are confusing. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 04:45, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

  • "Heavy rains partially associated with the storm brought flooding to Oaxaca resulted in two fatalities" - bit of a garden-path sentence, with some confusing structure. How were the rains only partially associated with the storm? Also, be more direct with your wording, ie "killed two people". Ditto with "two people were killed due to high waves"
  • "a nine-year old was swept away in a river while a company worker was struck by lightning." - use "and", not "while", as the latter implies it happened at the same time.
  • "Due to a combination of high waves and storm surge, 69 buildings in Acapulco were damaged" - reword to avoid passive voice.
  • "After making landfall as a major hurricane, Odile deluged much of the peninsula with heavy rains." - you should clarify the BCP somewhere in here, as you've only mentioned it as the section title so far in the impact section. You could also merge with the following sentence, when you clarify how much rainfall occurred.
  • Link Santiago, Baja California Sur and Bahía de Loreto
  • "Due to the aforementioned rains and wind" - don't use self-referencing. Ditto later w However, the aforementioned rainfall
  • You should write out "the UK"
  • ", although many of the stranded were evacuated to shelters,[53] though one of the shelters collapsed due to overcrowding" - this should be split from the previous sentence. It's an interesting bit
  • "although one person perished on a flightback due to a heart attack due to the stress the storm created" - this could be rewritten to be cleaner and avoiding the two "due to"s.
  • "Offshore, eight fishermen were rescued." - this doesn't make as much sense where it's placed, and I'm wondering what your structure is for the impact section. It seems like you're trying to go geographically, but given how small the area was that had severe damage, you should probably order it by the type of impact.
  • "In Vizcaino, 3,500 farm workers were evacuated." - how come this isn't under preps?
  • "due to road closers" - closures?
  • "Repairs to bridges near Todos Santos and Puerto Chale totaled MXN$500 million ($32.14 million USD)." & Following the disaster, about 500 workers were deployed to provide 2,000 groceries to victims. - aftermath?
  • For better flow, you should have the Bahía de los Ángeles and San Ignacio bits in the same paragraph, as they were both isolated due to the storm.
  • A total of 10,000 homes sustained damage, 1,800 of which were demolished. - this makes it sound like they had to be demolished. Use active voice :) It'll make it clear that Odile caused the damage.
  • "A minimum of 63% of all 760 schools in the southern portion of the peninsula were damaged." - so why not say "At least X # schools... were damaged"?
  • "Five people were directly killed due to the hurricane on the peninsula, including a 62-year-old man who died in Santa Rosalia, who perished when trying to cross a river, a man who died of a heart attack in La Paz,[71] and a South Korean mining executive whose car was swept away due to flooding." - this could be split up, since you have details. Also, why is a heart attack here a direct death, but the heart attack death on the plane not considered a direct death? If you're unsure, put the plane death here, but don't include them as direct deaths if you're not sure.
    • I just removed "directly" and replaced a couple references. Tbh, I think we need to get out of this habit of direct/indirect deaths as it's OR-esque. And before you ask, I'm not counting the death on the flyback since that wasn't actually on the peninsula. YE Pacific Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "In Monterrey, four people perished, three of which died along the outskirts of the city in a car that was attempting to cross a creek; two children were also missing in this incident." - please clean up
  • [1] - use NCDC for some more info for US. For example, rainfall totals and wind gusts in California
  • and several uncharacteristically powerful thunderstorms - the "uncharacteristically" seems odd wording. unusually would work just as well
  • The first two sentences in Arizona say "Odile brought..." - try switching up one
  • "In Eloy, six warehouses were damaged, including four that were destroyed." - why not just say "four warehouses were destroyed, and another two were damaged"? You should emphasize the most serious impacts first in a sentence.
  • You should merge the Arizona sentences on the San Pedro River for better flow.
  • "a peak total of 4.13 in (105 mm) fell Mogollon" - I'm guessing you're talking about rain? And how come you include the other rainfall totals? No other state has multiple totals, especially this low.
    • Clarified and removed
  • "Moisture from the storm significant drought relief to southern New Mexico" - missing word?
  • How come you don't have a link to the Storm Data?
  • Since New Mexico's section is currently just a lot of rainfall information (or lack thereof), you should move the one death that occurred in the state to that paragraph. Then, when you mention the Lake Austin, Texas death, just focus on that one. Or, if you want, have an intro paragraph to the US section that covers the broad impacts.
  • "In the aftermath, looting was extensive, and martial law was declared." & "In all, three people were arrested due to looting." - merge these bits of info, and reword "extensive" (which wasn't in the source). Three looting arrests is notable, but not extensive.
    • The context of the source makes it hard to find a descriptive word without crossing the OR line, but I did my best.
  • "Tax cuts were also given to all citizens of the nation." - I'm not sure that's true. Double check Google translate
  • "Towards the end of the year, most of the facilities in the aforementioned Wild Canyon amusement park returedn to normal." - typo and "aforementioned"
  • "Elsewhere, in Sonora, a state of emergency in 21 municipalities." - missing word
  • "The Mexican Red Cross collected 163 t (163,000 kg)" - since it's the first usage of this unit, you should write it out.
  • "in part due to the efforts of 1,080 persons" - I noticed this elsewhere in the article. How come you say "persons" instead of "people"?
  • Capitalize "red cross"
  • "The Mexican Association of Malta set up 170 temporary shelters to evacuee the victims" - Did you mean "evacuate"?
  • In general, watch for duplicate linking.

That's it for now. Hope none of this is too difficult or arduous. Nice work with the article. Lots of good research. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]