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Talk:Edgar Fernández/GA1

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GA Review

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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.


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Reviewer: Golden (talk · contribs) 18:37, 18 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Hello, I'll be reviewing this article. — Golden talk 18:37, 18 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

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  • from Santa Cruz - It is not clear from the sentence whether he is originally from Santa Cruz or if he resided there while serving as a party-list member.
  • Santa Cruz is linked for the second time in the second paragraph.
  • Throughout the article, you have used the names of departments instead of specific locations. I suggest using specific place names. For example, is it not known where in the Cochabamba Department he was born?
  • settled in the capital city - This could easily be misunderstood as the capital of Bolivia, which is not the case. I suggest rephrasing it to something like this: "..settled in Santa Cruz de la Sierra, the capital of Santa Cruz, where he.."
  • settled in the capital city's Plan 3,000 district - The inclusion of the district is unnecessary here since you don't mention anything else about it in the lead.
  • align his sector - Is this referring to the taxi sector? It would be helpful to clarify that here.
  • bore fruit in the form of -> resulted in
  • It would be useful to include information about how and when he became a member of the Movement for Socialism.

Early life and career

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  • "himself" is unnecessary here.
  • Simultaneously to that - "to that" is unnecessary.
  • Santa Cruz's Plan 3,000 -> "Santa Cruz's Plan 3,000 district"

Chamber of Deputies

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  • in the department. -> "in Santa Cruz department."
  • only solidified - "only" is unnecessary.

References

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  • Spot-checked references #1, 2, 4, 7, 11, 16.
  • I used Google Translate to confirm the sources.
  • No issues were found during spot-checking. All references that were checked support the statements for which they are cited.
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  • This page has already been linked in the references. Is it necessary to include it as a separate external link?

General comments

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The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.