Talk:Bruno Mars/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Adabow (talk · contribs) 04:44, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

I will be continuing the review shortly. Adabow (talk · contribs) 04:44, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Resolved issues from Silverskylines

Checklist

1. Well-written:

(a) the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct

(b) it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation

2. Verifiable with no original research:

(a) it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline

(b) reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose)

(c) it contains no original research

3. Broad in its coverage:

(a) it addresses the main aspects of the topic

(b) it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style)

4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each

5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute

6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio


(a) media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content

(b) media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions

Judgment: Please fix the issues in the article within the next 14 days. If not, I can't pass it.

Review

Spelling/Grammar?: I'm not going to list all of the grammatical issues, but I will list the most blatant.

• There is a very heavy usage of the passive voice. In the lead, I saw "He has been nominated..." (Why not "He was nominated...").

Comment: It says "He has been nominated" because the 53rd Grammy Awards has not happened yet. Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)

• Some awkward/questionable sentence structure. Again, for example...
  • "Hernandez was one of six children and came from a musical family giving him a diverse mix of reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B."
    • Possible change: "With his family's activity in music, Mars came from a diverse musical background anchored in reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B." or something; it still sounds awkward.

 Done - by Basilisk4u

• • "He attended President Theodore Roosevelt High School, graduating in 2003 at the age of seventeen, and shortly after moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
    • Possible change: "In 2003, shortly after graduating from President Theodore Roosevelt at the age of seventeen, Mars moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."

 Done - by Basilisk4u

• The entire final paragraph of the "Early life and beginnings" section is rather awkwardly written. For example, what's an A&R? "... took a long time to convince his label employers" sounds like it could be written shorter.
  • "According to the A&R executive in an interview with HitQuarters, Mars had made it clear from the beginning that although his ultimate goal was to be a solo artist he was willing to write and produce, both to attract recognition for his talents and help him discover the type of artist he ultimately wanted to be."
    • This paraphrase is strange. I recommend using the actual quote.

Working on it :) Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)

• Be careful of saying more than needed. For example...
  • "...international hits..." is kind of loaded. Maybe a word different than "hits".
  • "He is known for lending his vocals and co-writing the hooks for the songs..." (Why not "He co-wrote and lent his vocals for...")
  • "... Brandy, and Sean Kingston, as well as Flo Rida in the international hit "Right Round".
    • Considering the overall sentence structure, this is kind of awkward as "Flo Rida" has no clear antecedent and does not refer to the original subject (list of songs Mars wrote)
    • In other words, consider combining the part of Flo Rida with the following one. It'll flow better.

 Done - by Basilisk4u

• The article frequently switches between referring to the artist as "Hernandez" and "Mars". Choose one to use. I'd recommend "Mars" as that's the most likely reference.

 Done - by Basilisk4u

• The quote following the blurb about him being "Little Elvis" makes it look like that was part of the magazine article. Perhaps edit the syntax.

 Done - by Basilisk4u

Manual of Style?

• The lead is okay, but could probably be expanded. It doesn't adequately summarize everything. I like the inclusion of information on his singles, though.
  • I tried to expand the lead a little, is the lead good now? Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)
• The discography section should be its own article and a summary written which links to it.

 Done by Yves (talk) 22:17, 26 December 2010 (UTC)

• The awards and nomination section should be put in a table.

 Done by Yves

References as in line with guide to layout?

• Okay, for the most part, this is pretty good.
• Some references are in the middle of sentences that would do just as fine at the end.

 Done - by Basilisk4u

• Don't need to site his real name and birth date in the lead. That can be done within the body at "life and career." (this is kind of off-topic, but that'd also be better to describe why he uses the monikor instead of his real name)

 Done by Yves (talk)

• • Moniker explanation= Done - by Basilisk4u
• Page numbers/Web site links needed for newspaper articles 34 and 35

 Done - by Basilisk4u

• Cite the first quote in "musical styles"

 Done - by Basilisk4u

Broad in coverage: Main aspects?

• The "musical styles" section is extremely lacking

I agree, I'm working on adding more. The Doo-Wops & Hooligans article has a lot on this, so I might be able to use some of that information. Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)

• I feel dirty when I say this, but there's no information on his personal life or personal beliefs. Yeeeech, I feel like a paparazzi.

I can't really find any reliable sources that talk about whether he is in a relationship, and he is not particularly outspoken about any of his beliefs. However, if something does come up, I will certainly add it to the page. Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)

• No information on influences; possibly could be converged with musical styles?

Board in converage: Details?

• May be much, much easier to read/understand if the information about his life, solo music career, and producer career were split up. A lot of it seems discursive.

I agree, but I am a bit unsure about how to divide it up. Would you recommend putting the quotes about Elvis and the "Growing up in Hawaii made me the man I am..." into the musical styles? Basilisk4u (talk) 21:41, 27 December 2010 (UTC)

It's been a month since the last comment here. What's the status of this review? Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 06:07, 25 January 2011 (UTC)

I'll wrap this review up tonight since the reviewer hasn't edited in forever. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 13:47, 31 January 2011 (UTC)

Thank you Wizardman! I almost forgot about this review. How is the article looking? Basilisk4u (talk) 23:54, 1 February 2011 (UTC)

• Two dead (orange) links
  • Fixed by Basilisk4u (talk) 16:28, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Life and career

• "neighborhood of Honolulu, Hawaii by parents" - Add a comma after Hawaii
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "because he was a chubby baby and because there was a famous chubby wrestler at the time called Bruno Sammartino." - reword to avoid the double-usage of 'because'
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "a diverse mix of reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B" - link the genres
  •  Done: I know the custom is to link R&B to contemporary R&B; however, this distinction is ambiguous, so leaving it to rhythm and blues. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "He later reflected on the influence Elvis had on his music," → He later reflected on the influence Presley had on his music,
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "he also acknowledged his Hawaiian roots and musical family as an influence, saying "Growing up in Hawaii..." - comma after 'saying'
  •  Done: there was another instance of this in a prior sentence, and I've fixed it, as well. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "I felt like I didn’t have no pizzazz" → "I felt like I didn’t have [any] pizazz"
  •  Done: also changed some curly apostrophes. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• Link Atlantic Records
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "Bay-Schuck used Mars - along with Philip Lawrence and Ari Levine - as a hired songwriter" - change hyphens to en dashes
  •  Done: changed to em dashes, actually. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "both songs peaked within the top ten of many charts worldwide" - you need some sort of ref here
  •  Done: lemme know if it's insufficient. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "and produced one single: "The Other Side"" - change colon to a comma
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "Mars collaborated with Cee-Lo Green" → Mars collaborated with Green
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• The ref does not support "Liquor Store Blues" and "Grenade" being promotional singles
  •  Done: removed as they're minor releases that belong better on the album article and not the artist's. I've replaced it with information on the single single, "Grenade", and charting. Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• "Mars will co-headline with Travie McCoy on a European tour" → Mars will co-headline with McCoy on a European tour
  •  Done: also updated tense (the tour is over). Yves (talk) 07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Musical style

• "though one of my favorites is the Cee-Lo song [Fuck You!]." → 'though one of my favorites is the Cee-Lo [Green] song ['Fuck You!'].
  •  Done. Basilisk4u (talk) 01:05, 4 February 2011 (UTC)
• The last paragraph is one sentence; either expand or merge with another
  •  Done. Basilisk4u (talk) 01:05, 4 February 2011 (UTC)

Awards and nominations

• Include some of the more notable awards in the prose
• Why are the Soul and Jazz Awards in a separate table
  • No idea. I've removed them, since both a Google search and a Google News search reveals nothing for "Soul and Jazz Awards". I've tried searching some of the award categories with nominated works, too (e.g. "Doo-Wops & Hooligans Best Album R&B of the Year"), but nothing shows up. There is no reference, anyway, and I've left a message on the talk page of the editor who added these. Yves (talk) 08:01, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

References

• Pretty good work, but Billboard has been published by Prometheus Global Media since December 2009
  •  Fixed. Yves (talk) 02:44, 5 February 2011 (UTC)
• Dates are also inconsistently formatted. Either 2011-02-03 or February 3, 2011. Adabow (talk · contribs) 08:22, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
  •  Fixed to the latter, since convention is to go by the first editor to do add a date to a reference (here). Yves (talk) 02:44, 5 February 2011 (UTC)

Other

• Could you please add {{commons category|Bruno Mars}} to the external links.
  •  Done. Yves (talk) 07:58, 3 February 2011 (UTC)
• Could you also add one or two more images to the article
  •  Done: added to the "2009–present: Commercial success and Doo-Wops & Hooligans" section. Yves (talk) 07:58, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Shouldn't take too long to fix up. Adabow (talk · contribs) 05:09, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Dammit, I always forget to review the lead (I do it last):

• joining The Smeezingtons is not mentioned in the body

• Mention Grammys in prose, too
• Write a paragraph on musical style

Adabow (talk · contribs) 08:18, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Everything seems to have been addressed, so I will now (finally!) list the article. Do try to add some musical style info to the lead, though. Adabow (talk · contribs) 08:32, 5 February 2011 (UTC)