Talk:Baoji–Chengdu railway/GA1

GA Review

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Nominator: A Chinese ID (talk · contribs) 15:09, 19 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Reviewer: Toadspike (talk · contribs) 12:44, 7 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

A Chinese ID, I really appreciate your work on expanding this article. The significant need for copyediting that you pointed out will be a barrier to achieving good article status. Normally, this nomination could be quickfailed (reasons 1 or 3). You also sadly seem to no longer be active at the moment, which would impede any review. However, you have asked for an experienced and patient reviewer, so I'll offer you this: If you respond to my ping in a timely manner (a week or two), I will do my best to help you improve this article. If you are truly unavailable, then I will fail the nomination, and it can be nominated again in future once any willing volunteers have cleaned the article up. Best, Toadspike [Talk] 12:44, 7 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

@Toadspike: Thanks for your advice and review. I will make further contributions to this article to achieve the GA status the next day. Could you please give me some examples on the sentences to be improved in this article? 🀄︎^U·T·C 13:13, 7 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

@A Chinese ID: I'm glad to see you're back! I have posted some grammar advice below. Hopefully it helps you understand, identify, and correct some of the common issues I found. Toadspike [Talk] 20:03, 7 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

You need to mention that this article is translated from the Chinese Wikipedia article. Please make a dummy edit with an edit summary like those at Help:Translation#Licensing or WP:RIA (the second one). Until you do this, the article is technically a copyright violation. Toadspike [Talk] 20:36, 7 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

@Toadspike:Thanks for your suggestions, and I will make relevant corrections in the days coming up. 🀄︎^U·T·C 01:30, 9 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

Grammar and punctuation tips

Articles

The most common issue is a lack of articles, especially the definite article "the" and the indefinite article "a". These do not exist in Chinese, so it is normal that a native Chinese speaker would struggle with them.

As an example, the sentence "Spiral is applied to make the topographical difficulties within the locomotives' reach..." is missing such an article at the start. It is not clear if one spiral is being discussed, or several spirals. If there is only one, the sentence should be rewritten as "A spiral is applied...". If there are several, it should be rewritten as "Spirals are applied...".
Another example is the first sentence of the first section. "The Bao–Cheng Line runs southwards from Guanzhong Plain to Sichuan Basin and traverses the Qinling, Daba Mountains and Jianmen after leaving Baoji, as the rail line goes through 5 different zones of geological structure (including granite, quartzite, greenschist, conglomerate and slate) and an aggregate of 80% are in the mountainous area." Proper nouns often need to have "the" before them. I would rewrite this sentence as "After leaving Baoji, the Bao–Cheng Line runs southwards from the Guanzhong Plain to the Sichuan Basin and traverses the Qinling, the Daba Mountains, and Jianmen Pass. The rail line crosses 5 different geological zones (including granite, quartzite, greenschist, conglomerate and slate) and 80% of it is in mountainous areas." Notice also that I split the sentence in two, as it was too long. The use of "as" was backwards – the route causes the line to cross many geologicial zones, not the other way around. I have also condensed some phrases to make them more concise.

"The line" (use more passive voice)

The article very often says that "the line" did certain things. The line is an object, not a person, and cannot really do most of the things you say it did. Usually, you need to use passive voice instead – things were done to the line. In case it helps, think of it as writing sentences with "被" in Chinese. Examples:

"The line finished construction on 12 July 1956 and the operation began on 1 January 1958." Should read: "Construction [of the line] was finished on 12 July 1956 and operations began on 1 January 1958." Note that saying "of the line" here is actually unnecessary, since you specify in the two previous sentences what you are talking about (the subject).
"The line finished electrification in 1976..." should be "Electrification of the line was finished in 1976..." You may also use "completed" instead of "finished" if you want, they are equivalent.
"The line began its construction..." should be "Construction of the line began..."

Abbreviations

When you use an abbreviation the first time, you should spell it out. So the first time you use "MOR" should be replaced with "Ministry of Railways (MOR)". Afterwards, remember to use "the" before "MOR" – "The MOR kept insisting that electric locomotives should adopt both domestic and foreign production lines". By the way, this sentence needs passive voice, just like "the line" in the section above. The electric locomotives cannot adopt anything themselves. It should read "The MOR kept insisting that both domestic and foreign production lines for electric locomotives should be adopted."

One-off issues

"In avoidance to overheat of brakes during the downhill journey" should be "To prevent overheating brakes during the downhill journey"
"The line features several sections where slopes are long and steep and have multiple curves" – do not use "and" two times in a row like this. Instead, use commas: "The line features several sections where slopes are long, steep, and have multiple curves"
"has been using electric locomotives until now" implies that electric locomotives were in use until this very moment, and are now no longer used. This is vague and likely not what you meant. I think you meant to say "has used electric locomotives ever since", or the alternative "has used electric locomotives to this day".
"as Track laying work" should be "as tracklaying work" (lowercase)
"intended to celebrate the achievements China P. R. have reached": "China P. R." is very odd phrasing and I would replace it with "the PRC". However, I have checked the source you cite [1], and it never actually specifies the PRC instead of China. Therefore, I suggest you replace "China P. R." with just "China" here.