Talk:Alex Hewit/GA1

GA Review[edit]

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Reviewer: Cavie78 (talk) 13:02, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): (MoS):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): (citations to reliable sources): (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Seems to be a pretty good article. I've got a few concerns which I will detail below. This is my first non-music GA review and I aren't exactly a lacrosse expert so please bear with me! Cavie78 (talk) 17:27, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

General[edit]

There seems to be a problem with the website link in the infobox - it's showing twice.
- I have been trying to get this infobox tweaked for months. I have left Yarnalgo (talk · contribs) a message.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:20, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead[edit]

"He led his high school to three state championships and was one of the nation's most sought after high school lacrosse players." What nation? The US?
- Clarified.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:22, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"He followed his older brother who was playing lacrosse at Princeton University." Needs clarifying. Followed his brother to Princeton? Followed his brother into lacrosse?
- Clarified.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:25, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"He was the 2006 NCAA goaltender of the year and 2008 Princeton co-captain." Can you link NCAA?
- Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:27, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"During his college career, Princeton earned an Ivy League championship and two NCAA Men's Lacrosse Championship invitations." This sounds a bit odd (but it might just be me!) Did he win all these titles as part of the team? Or are you just saying that Princeton won while he was there?
- Not sure how to clarify, but I added the word lacrosse to show that the lacrosse team had these successes during his career.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:30, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Background[edit]

I think the section should start with a sentence stating when and where he was born.
- Fixed.--68.23.161.175 (talk) 21:37, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"Both of his older brothers played and introduced him to the sport." What sport? You haven't mentioned lacrosse in the body of the article yet.
- Fixed.--68.23.161.175 (talk) 21:37, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"By sixth grade he was converted from an attackman to a goalie after coaches alleviated his mother's concern for her son's safety." This could be phrased better, not sure "allieviated" is the right word.
- I have tried to rephrase.--68.23.161.175 (talk) 21:37, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"Grant was the captain of the 2006 Tigers lacrosse team. Parants are Russell and Nan Hewit, and his other siblings are Meghan (Dartmouth College 2000) and Rusty (Washington & Lee University 2002)." I'm not sure the info about Grant is needed. I would prefer the family info to go at the beginning of the section so that you can establish Grant as his brother. The info about the colleges his other siblings attended should be removed. Parents is spelt incorrectly.
- Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:46, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

College career[edit]

"Hewit's goaltending style altered the way opposing teams approached scoring." Ok, but what was his style?
- Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:54, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"In 2007, he entered the season on pace..." What does "on pace" mean? (this might just be me - I'm a Brit who knows absolutely sod all about lacrosse beyond the fact that players carry sticks with nets at the end!)
- fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 22:01, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"The 2006 team..." "He served as co-captain of the 2008 team." Which team are you talking about here? Princeton?
- Added Princeton to beginning of section.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:54, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"Hewit is a mild-mannered goalie who never celebrates after making saves." Seems like it should go nearer the start of the section. Should probably be in the past tense as well given that he's retired.
- Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 21:56, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Professional career[edit]

"He played for the New Jersey Pride during the 2008 MLL season, but he appeared in no games." "Played" seems an odd thing to say given that he didn't make any appearances. Could you say "Hewitt was signed by New Jersey Pride for the 2008 MLL season, but he appeared in no games."? (again, sorry if this doesn't make sense in the context of lacrosse teams)
- Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 22:04, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

GA close[edit]

Good work Tony, I'm happy to promote to GA. Cavie78 (talk) 22:16, 14 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]