Jump to content

Talk:Albon Man/GA1

Page contents not supported in other languages.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

GA Review

[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: AryKun (talk · contribs) 14:11, 28 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

All right, so this is a pretty decent article already, but it does have a couple problems that I can see right off the bat. The ones I can see so far are posted below, I'll do a deeper review in a bit. I've added the rest of the issues with the articles below. AryKun (talk) 10:10, 29 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

  • The lead is too short, needs to be expanded to at least two paragraphs:could probably incorporate info from the career section and also stuff like his death.
  • In "electric incandescent light bulb" in the lead, electric is redundant and should be removed.
  • The second sentence in early life needs to be rewritten so that it's proper sentences, instead of just three sentence fragments joined with semicolons.


  • The infobox is displaying his name as Calbon Man after Born, so that needs to fixed. Also, is his occupation really only "lawyer", considering that most of the article is about his work as scientist?
  • "scientist, and inventor. He was associated with the" → "scientist, and inventor who was associated with the."
  • In the lead, " He joined with William Edward Sawyer to develop out inventions"→ "He worked with William Edward Sawyer to develop inventions"
  • "Many of these then were patented by them. One such patented invention is the foundation corner stone of modern methods of electrical distribution that is titled Electric Light System → "Many of these then were patented by them, including the electric light system, which is the cornerstone of modern methods of electric distribution."
  • In the lead, "legal wars" should be replaced with legal challenges or suits.
  • Again, in "incandescent electric lamp", electric is redundant.
  • "The final findings held that Man and Sawyer perfected the lamp" → "The final ruling held that Man and Sawyer had perfected"
  • "all over the world" → "worldwide"
  • "on June 29, 1826. His father was Ebenezer Man" → "on June 29, 1826, to Ebenezer Man and an unknown mother"
  • Is the information about his grandparents and great=grandparents relevant? Ditto with the information about the first ancestor of his to arrive in the Americas.
  • "in 1845. There he took" → "in 1845, taking"
  • I think that the early life and education sections should be merged, considering that both are somewhat related and neither is very substantial.
  • "Man studied law from his uncle in that lived in New York City" → "Man was taught law by his uncle, who lived in New York City."
  • " In 1852, he was admitted to the bar and soon after he became a partner with his uncle he returned to his hometown of Malone due to illness of his father" → "He was was admitted to the bar in 1852, and soon after partnered with his uncle. He returned to Malone due to his father's illness." Also, provide a date for when he returned to Malone.
  • "There he establish" → "There he established"
  • "Ninety-eighth New York infantry regiment" → "98th New York Infantry Regiment"
  • "became a major" → "major should be linked"
  • "He was involved with the battles at Yorktown, Williamsburg, and Fair Oaks" → "He participated in the battles of Yorktown, Williamsburg, and Fair Oaks."
  • "His health broke down from" → "His health broke down due to"
  • "and was forced" → "and he was forced"
  • "continued as their district attorney" → "continued as the district attorney"
  • In the next two lines, the one in 1866 and 1870 is displaying weirdly, so check if it's actually the right character.
  • "As a scientist he would come up with ideas" → "As a scientist" is unnecessary and should be removed.
  • "would work out the practical application mechanics of assembly to make them work" → "would work out how to implement them"
  • " One of the inventions they were involved with was an incandescent electric bulb, which became known as the Sawyer-Man lamp, the first practicable electric light bulb" → "One of their inventions was the incandescent bulb (later known as the Sawyer-man lamp), which was the first practical electric light bulb."
  • "had ordered 200 of the Sawyer-Man electric light bulbs that was estimated to run on $10 a year in electricity usage, where they were then paying $4,000 a year for gas on their current gas lamp system" → "ordered 200 of the Sawyer-Man bulbs that were estimated to cost $10 a year in electricity usage, whereas their current gas lamp system cost $4,000 a year for gas."
  • "invention Man did with" → "invention Man made with"
  • "incandescent electrical lighting" → "incandescent lighting"
  • "another most important feature" is irrelevant and should be removed.
  • "foundation corner stone" → "cornerstone"
  • "There was a legal war and many law suits that Man filed against Edison and others for infringing on his patented Electric Light System." should be removed, because it's only loosely related to the preceding paragraph, and the subject is covered later on in the section.
  • The entire anecdote about Man and the professor should be removed, as it falls under WP:TRIVIA. Also, it's very closely paraphrased from the source, and would probably be considered plagiarizing.
  • " In 1885 all appeals had been dismissed " → "By 1885, all appeals had been dismissed,"
  • "Edison claims disallowed" → "Edison's claims were disallowed"
  • "Man always had an interest and kept up on the" → "Man had an interest in"
  • "kinds of scientific chemistry" → "kinds of scientific"
  • The section on his interest in photography should also be removed, as it's irrelevant and falls under WP:TRIVIA.
  • "stroke of paralysis" → "paralytic stroke"
  • " conceived and projected" → "conceived and created"
  • A couple of the refs appear duplicated, like "A New Electric Light" and "Another Electric Lamp": these should only have one ref used multiple times instead of independent references.
  • William Sawyer is dublinked.
  •  Done With the "Highlight duplicate links" app (received from Help Desk) I have installed to detect duplicate links it shows no duplicates. It doesn't count a link in the lead paragraphs -> it detects only in the body of the article and considers those only as duplicate links.--Doug Coldwell (talk) 11:50, 29 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]
In the third and fourth paragraphs of Career, William Sawyer is linked. The one in the fourth paragraph should be removed. AryKun (talk) 13:24, 29 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]