Help:Section 348 B-27a of Wikipedia Policies and Guidelines
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The following are step-by-step instructions on how to perform the "Secret handshake" necessary in order to complete the transaction of buying Wikipedia. Note that this is not a "secret" handshake, as the instructions to perform the handshake are listed out in detail below. This handshake is simply named after Johnathan Secret, the creator of the handshake.
- Bow to the person you are greeting.
- Shake the hand of the person, release and then fist bump the person. After the fist bump you need to perform the following variants of the fist bump:
- "The stick-shift": Grab ahold of their fist and move it up and down as if you are controlling the shift-stick on a vehicle. Make car noises as you do so.
- "The force field": Proceed to do a fist bump motion but never make contact. Note to the other person that there is an invisible forcefield keeping you from making contact with their fist.
- "The prison": Spread out your fingers and cover the fist of the other person. Note that your spread-apart fingers represent the bars on a jail cell. Tell the person that their fist is in prison and list off the crimes it committed.
- Allow the person you are greeting to perform step 2 with you as the receiver.
- Clap three times and spin. While the person you greeting is spinning, however, quickly face forward and slap them on the back of the neck. Tell them they were caught "lackin'".
- Somersault backward four feet and cartwheel forward five feet. Awkwardly acknowledge how close you are to the person you are greeting, and take a step back.
- Reach out and tap your right foot to the person's left foot, then your left foot to their right. Repeat this step and slowly do the pattern faster, and only stop if either of you accidentally messes up the pattern.
- Assume good faith that the slipup is unintentional and not just because the person you are greeting got tired.
- Exchange phone numbers. Call each other. Greet each other verbally and talk about what you want to be when you grow up. If you are already grown up, talk about whether or not it played out like you hoped it would. Somehow find a way to transition the conversation to a very controversial political opinion, and hang up because neither of you wants to talk about it.
- Perform a game of Rock paper scissors, best of three. Whoever wins must go and buy the winner a cup of black coffee.
- If you are performing this handshake with Jerry, our resident expert burger flipper, in attempt to avoid paying half the cost of buying Wikipedia, and have already bought him a black coffee prior to performing the handshake, you can skip this step.
- Bow to the person you are greeting. Yes, again.
Frequently asked questions
[edit]Q: Do I still have to bond with the person I am greeting about my favorite episode of Full House?
A: As of 2017, bonding with the person you are greeting about your favorite episode of Full House is no longer a required step, as the show becomes increasingly older and some people may not have watched the show. To avoid confusion, there is no consequence if this step is performed in the handshake anyway.
Q: Who is Danny? Do I have to bond with the person I am greeting over memories of him?
A: If you are here to verify that there is an extra step where you must bond over memories of Danny, please note that this is a false rumor and such a step is not necessary. Danny is not a real person and violates WP:CRYSTALBALL. Any further mention of Danny will be subject to an immediate global lock on your account to avoid spreading the rumor any further. You may be subject to further sanctions depending on your local government, such as the City of San Bernafraisco, California, where "it shall be against the law to mention Danny, and violators shall be punished with five to ten years in prison" (San Bernafrisco City Code § 420.69)