Characters of 8-Bit Theater
The events in the webcomic 8-Bit Theater revolve around four central characters—the Light Warriors—and a number of minor ones. These characters are quite obviously exaggerated RPG stereotypes.
The Light Warriors (The Main Characters)
The characters Black Mage, Fighter, Thief and Red Mage are the main characters of 8-Bit Theater. The characters are listed in the order they first appeared in the comic. They are collectively referred to as "The Light Warriors".
Note: The main characters' last names as mentioned here were originally intended as throwaway gags; however, they haven't been explicitly denied by the author. [1]
Black Mage Evilwizardington
Black Mage is a chaotic, egotistical, power-hungry and murderous wizard who has a pathological hatred towards almost everybody, especially Fighter, who he keeps around to use as a meat shield because he just can't seem to be killed. A wizard proficient in Black Magic, he is generally incapable of any beneficial or non-destructive spells. He first met Fighter after being expelled from wizardry camp. Immediately bewildered by Fighter declaring them "best friends", his attempts to stab Fighter never kill him (despite the fact that Fighter's body is pierced by the knife each time) and even when he does succeed, someone is always there to heal him.
Black Mage has a fixation on White Mage and always tries to seduce her, usually resulting in her smashing Black Mage with her hammer. He uses increasingly cheesy and inappropriate pick-up lines in a futile attempt to open up her heart and/or pants to him. This may be a consequence of the fact that Black Mage only recently started puberty, despite being in his early-to-mid-twenties. [2] At one point in the story, Black Mage writes a letter to White Mage, telling her how he can't help acting the way he does, stabbing everybody, that he doesn't mean half of what he says and saying how he hates everything. He almost succeeded in gaining White Mage's attention, until the circumstances forced him to reveal the source of his most powerful attack, the level 9 spell "Hadoken". Usable only once a day, it is powered by love. Specifically, it drains love from the Universe when used; Black Mage even claims that divorce rates shoot up with every Hadoken cast.
He is also apparently able to use several other spells and also once used heat vision, despite not actually having heat vision. Black Mage claims that he didn't learn a teleportation spell because "it would be one less doom spell"; however, in a later episode, he warps from a ship to an iceberg blocking its path in order to destroy it. This has been explained by Brian Clevinger saying humor trumps continuity. [3]
Black Mage's face is always hidden; according to him, it is so horrible that no one can bear to look at it and, indeed, when Onion Kid caught a glance at it, he went into catatonic shock. However, the audience has seen Black Mage without his hat, though still not his face (owing to a peculiarity of his "lying down" pose), so it's safe to say his hair is brown.
Black Mage is both smart and stupid at the same time. He can be oblivious to the basic wants and needs of others and to the world around him, but at the same time, he often notices things no other Light Warrior does and has saved the entire party numerous times. For example, he often hears Thief mumble under his breath and he was the only one to notice that the crew of their new boat was made up of the Dark Warriors.
Black Mage also appears to have an attraction to pie, as in episode 106, when he was quickly lured into a trap by Princess Sara with a sign and an arrow saying, "FREE PIE! THE PIE IS ALSO EVIL." Not much about his pie addiction has surfaced recently, however.
The Fiend of Earth, Lich, killed Black Mage by breaking his spine, sending him to Hell. There, Black Mage overthrew the rulers of Hell by removing everyone's spines. He then returned to the living world in order to rejoin the group, annul Thief's contracts and destroy his own body so that his newfound power would be safe from revocation. Lich, who Black Mage had dragged into Hell as he was returning, prevented him from succeeding by repairing everyone's spines, then having one of his new minions push Black Mage's soul back into his body, which resulted in Black Mage being brought back to life.
Black Mage had a brother and a sister. According to him, he killed his brother after blinding him. The only known information about his sister was that a dire elk once bit her (a Monty Python reference). There is no other information about his relatives; however, he implies that they are all dead. ("Well, I wouldn't use the present tense to decribe any member of my family, but yeah.")
While in the Castle of Ordeals, everyone had to face a personification of their cardinal sin. When Black Mage met his, it looked exactly like himself, explaining that the only thing able to represent his sins was himself, although Black Mage himself revealed even more sins to make his replica even more powerful-looking, to a point where he resembled Black Mage's Hell power. Black Mage ended up killing it and reabsorbing the evil its death set free.
After Black Mage's frustration with not being able to change class like the rest of the Light Warriors, a Dark God approached him and unbound "the nexus" that would supposedly give Black Mage "power without limit" in order to defeat "Swordopolis and his fool", most likely Fighter. This seems to confirm the fact that Black Mage is actually a nexus made man, as mentioned in one of the early episodes.
In a recent episode, Fighter cut off Black Mage’s hand and an arm in an attempt to free him from a block of ice. Black Mage then ran about bleeding profusely until he fainted. The Dark God who unbound the nexus talked to him while he was passed out, when it was revealed that Black Mage now has access to Blue Magic, but to use a new power, he must first survive a monster attacking him with that power.
While in Elf Prison, Matoya's nightmare poison gives Black Mage a nightmare where his face is revealed to look like Fighter's, helping to show just how much he hates Fighter.
In the recent Flash animations by TLF and Meddros, Black Mage is voiced by Omahdon.
Fighter McWarrior
Fighter is a fighter specializing in swords and master of The Twelve Schools of Vargus-do Zodiac-Style Swordplay. At a young age, he was expelled from Fighter's Camp '86 for failing to correctly answer the question, "How many schools of Zodiac Kenshido are there?" After leaving the camp, he was about to "give up the blade and embrace [his] true calling in life — short order cook!” before literally running into Black Mage. Fighter immediately bonded with Black Mage, despite Black Mage's multiple attempts to stab him.
Fighter is a skilled warrior and, at the same time, a childlike idiot savant with an almost single-minded sword fixation. He is so lacking of intelligence that at times, he has menticidal abilities, lowering the intelligence of others around him with his sheer incompetence. Further, Fighter's thoughts often trail off into territories of "nerd knowledge," such as Star Trek, Transformers and video games. Apart from his intellectual shortcomings, Fighter also suffers from severe arachnophobia and goes into a gibbering panic when told a spider is near or on him.
He is the creator of Sword-Chucks, a weapon consisting of two swords attached by a chain extending between the two hilts — a combination of twin swords and a nunchuck. At first, this is an obvious joke weapon — not only would using it likely lead to the amputation of one's own hands, since nunchucks are wielded holding their ends, but the user would also be putting themselves in severe danger of being hit by rapidly moving sword blades. However, during a fight with the six-armed Fiend of Fire, Kary, Fighter realized that the Zodiac Kenshido school is the sword itself and successfully used Sword-Chucks to fight Kary to a standstill, leading to her defeat.
One of Fighter's first quests was to find the legendary "Armor of Invincibility." Thanks to a mishearing, he eventually received Matoya's "Armoire of Invincibility", which he carried until the weight became too great and he was crushed by it, surviving only due to the fact that the bottom of the Armoire of Invincibility was made from particle board. The problem was resolved by Red Mage, who inserted the Armoire into a summoning materia (actually a Hypercube), enabling transportation at a fraction of its weight. The Armoire was later summoned from the cube when the Light Warriors confronted Vilbert, a vampire who could only be slain by a wooden stake through the heart. It has yet to reappear since that incident.
It has been suggested that Fighter may actually be more intelligent than he seems. Fighter sometimes has surprising random bursts of intellect. He was able to read the Overcomplicatian writing on the entrance to Gurgu Volcano. When Black Mage makes jokes about the fall of Black Belt, Fighter goes into a complete structuralist analysis of why his jokes are crude and not funny. Fighter also discusses quantum theory and how it "describes how subatomic particles can pop into existence at random" and his inner monologue occasionally reveals moments of deep contemplation. The least that can be said is that Fighter's mind is more complex than it first appears. In fact, it has been said that "Fighter is the smartest of the Light Warriors. He's just very stupid about it."
In the Castle of Ordeals, Fighter faced the representation of Sloth, who told him he had to learn to use his mind as well as his blades. Fighter cut him to pieces because his brain told him "this would be faster."
Afterwards, Fighter changed his class to a Knight, gaining the ability to whirl his swords at very high speeds (so high as to create sonic booms), as well as the ability to block attacks from hitting his comrades. He may also have increased intelligence.
While in Elf Prison, Matoya's nightmare poison gives Fighter a nightmare where he has bladeless hilts.
Fighter's voice actor in the Flash animations by TLF and Meddros is Antonio Pizza.
A cunning and diabolically skilled pretty-boy thief and lawyer who was formerly known as Prince of Elfland, Thief secretly left his kingdom in order to raise money for a cure for his comatose father; unlike the game, where Elfland's Prince is the one in the coma. He mainly did so by stealing anything and everything around him, pawning it all off and sending the money to his "overseas account". He also maneuvered Fighter into signing a binding contract over the then-forming Light Warriors, making Thief not only a member, but the permanent group leader and entitling him to first dibs on everything the group discovered, especially treasure. He rarely fights, but if he does, he can be seen using and twirling twin knives at high speeds. Thief also has a tendency to ambush opponents from above.
The behavior of Thief and almost every other elf is ridiculously egotistical. This observation might best be summed up in this conversation between two elves:
- "Man, I don't have time for this. I'm a busy elf. I've got places to go, people to act superior to and elder-than-thou attitudes to express."
- "Oh, I know! People seem to think it's easy to perpetuate these Tolkien-esque stereotypes of haughty elves. In reality, it's VERY hard work."
- "Even if it does come quite naturally."
- "Which it certainly does!"
Thief's elfish immortality and the immortality of all elves is tied to the status of the forest of the Elfland kingdom. This is further developed when the four visit Elfland. The situation with his father was eventually resolved, but Thief continues stealing and scamming just because he can. Being a prince, he has command of a group of law-ninja, which helps him enforce the various binding contracts he has over the team. He is also the copyright holder of "Super Ultra Fine Print", an extremely tiny font which he adds to every contract in which he is held responsible for something, allowing him to opt out of it (mostly by adding the word "not" right before important actions). Finally, he is responsible for dissolving Elfland's collection agency and instituting the I.R.S. (International Revenue Service), which collects taxes from everyone in the world and audits those who can't come through with the money.
Thief shares with his race a hatred for dwarves. This once caused him a brutal beating from Berserker, who almost killed him. It was at that moment when Thief met Raven, a trickster God, who has been the only one able to trick Thief in the entire comic.
Thief was supposed to face the representation of Greed in the Castle of Ordeals, but due to a mix-up, Black Mage ended up facing and beating it, making Thief the only Light Warrior who hasn't actually faced his personal ordeal.
He recently changed his class to a Ninja, though exactly what powers Thief now possesses have yet to be discovered. He claims to have stolen his class from the future, but his initial confusion after the class change is revealed suggests his class change came as a surprise, so whether or not he was being truthful is questionable. However, the behaviour of the comic's author in the discussion thread for the episode suggests Thief may have been telling the truth, so the question of Thief's truthfulness remains unanswered.
Minutes before Episode 652, Brian changed the colors on Thief's Ninja outfit from red to black and propagated that alteration throughout the 8-Bit archives (specifically, Episodes 160, 300 and 651). For now, the "Red Ninja Thief" has become an inside joke.
While in Elf Prison, Matoya's nightmare poison gives Thief a nightmare where he is beheaded by a living dollar.
He is voiced by Rhyos in the Flash animations of 8-Bit Theater.
Red Mage Statscowski
This character believes he is in a paper and pencil RPG (such as D&D) and acts accordingly and fully within the rules of such a reality, often to the continued befuddlement and annoyance of the rest of the team, who remain unblessed by such enlightenment. Red Mage possesses the ability to cast both light and dark magic, including the ability to instantly disguise all the members of the Light Warriors. He places a fetishistic valuation on being as versatile as possible, citing versatility as the reason for being a Red Mage in the first place. Unfortunately, he almost never casts his magic in order to stay versatile. Red Mage is the only Light Warrior aside from Fighter to show glimmers of a conscience, notably during Thief and Black Mage's attacks on Dwarf Land.
The "strategist" of the group, Red Mage's plans often fail horribly due to the laws of physics and the actions of other people, though his stratagems surprisingly proved successful against both of the Four Fiends the Light Warriors have faced to date. One of his special talents is the rite of Stat Swap, which allows him to erase and rearrange his statistics at a moment's notice on his character sheet. Examples include giving himself a +20 in Escapology in order to get out of a trap, or trying to heal someone as a Beastmaster.
Red Mage has occasionally shown himself to be a closet transvestite (naming himself Debora when he's in a dress, which occurs several times), a psychological complex that stemmed from his father disliking Red Mage for being a boy. This complex is just a figment of Red Mage's imagination, induced by the manipulative prowess of Thief.
In the Castle of Ordeals, Red Mage had to face the representation of Hubris. He ended up defeating it by admitting he was powerless before it, although he didn't actually grasp the concept — he immediately started gloating about his victory.
Red Mage was the first of the Light Warriors to change class; initially, it was thought he had become a Blue Mage because he was capable of firing a Hadoken back at Black Mage. However, experiments revealed that he had actually become a Mime, which enables him to copy an action once per time he sees it used.
With Red Mage's class change, it seems the effectiveness of his spells has increased. This is seen when Red Mage recently froze Black Mage with a basic Ice spell, meaning the strength of Red Mage's spells has also increased. Just before Black Mage came to, Red Mage sewed his arms back on, but on the same side of his body, which led to Black Mage demanding several botched "surgeries."
While in Elf Prison, Matoya's nightmare poison gives Red Mage a nightmare where he loses all his clothes, thereby losing all the stat bonuses they gave him.
Starky (aka DJ StarChild) plays the part of Red Mage in the Flash Animation, 8-Bit Theater 5.
Outside the comic, on the Nuklear Power website proper, Red Mage (presumably Sosa) used to run an advice column, titled "Twinkin' Out With Red Mage". It answered questions asked by the readers of the strip pertaining to video games, comic books and other topics. This feature was cancelled at the end of 2004.
Friends, Enemies and Those They Have Met
The following characters have helped or hindered the Light Warriors in some way.
A priestess and member of Project Fate, she is on a mission to help the Light Warriors succeed in saving the world, apparently to accomplish her destiny. There is ongoing tension with Black Mage's lustful attraction to her, resulting in her prompt violent responses (usually by hitting him with a large mallet). White Mage was sent to the beginning of time by Sarda the Sage and inadvertently created the Universe. Now, after a discussion with the young Sarda billions of years ago, she has willed herself back to her own time. White Mage is only capable of casting healing spells, which has compensated for the sheer incompetence of the Light Warriors on multiple occasions. However, she has also cast a spell known as "Holy Fire" and a lightning spell that is unnamed. It has been stated that she enjoys Italian food. A run-in with a fire dragon had her reveal that Mexican food gives her heartburn.
White Mage's voice actor in the Flash animations by TLF and Meddros is Queenie Z.
Princess Sara (Evil Princess Sara)
The Princess of Corneria, the daughter of King Steve and Queen Jane and the heir to the Cornerian throne, Princess Sara has already been kidnapped about half a dozen times by the time Garland gets to her. Her rescue is the first mission that King Steve gives to the Light Warriors. Sara decided to help the incompetent Garland be a real villain; he further proved his incompetence by believing her.
After the Light Warriors rescued her, Fighter was treated to a display of Sara's incredible swordswomanship and promptly declared himself in love with her - even going so far as to write her a "Haiku of Love".
Since then, Princess Sara has been putting up with her father's idiocy and further developing her psychotic and vicious tendencies; it is a true miracle that her father is still alive. A while back, she turned down an offer to take the fourth position in the then-forming Dark Warriors, which was eventually filled by Vilbert von Vampire. Like Red Mage, she used to run an advice column on the Nuklearpower website, titled Ask EPS. It answered questions on various subjects with an admittedly evil tone. This feature was cancelled by the end of 2002.
King Steve
King Steve is the father of Princess Sara and a simple-minded lunatic who rules his country as a capricious despot out of pure madness. He was the one who first recruited the Light Warriors, his original plan being to send every applicant into the dangerous wilds to be slaughtered, with the survivors being the "true" Light Warriors. He was tricked by Black Mage into appointing the group after being shown the four fabled Orbs of Light (four recently-removed light bulbs) and being told that they were "Hot. Hot with destiny!” Among other things, he has devastated his country in an attempt to drill for mana, issued laws preventing anyone from criticizing his rule, believed he was running for election against a length of string (ignoring the fact that Corneria is a monarchy), talked to a coffee stain which he named Rodney and made his right hand man, forgot who his daughter was every time she came back from being kidnapped and has shoes made of babies' skin. He also brags about having invented multiple things and concepts, such as imagination, eating and the concept of inventing itself. His latest invention is Waroween, a special holiday where he sends his army to rape, murder and loot in all other countries.
An extremely skilled martial artist whose sense of orientation is all nonexistent. In addition, he is capable of defying the laws of physics by misunderstanding them. At least twice, this has led to warping the fabric of space, once even creating a second version of himself (which was promptly turned to stone by Black Mage). Black Belt was assigned to guard White Mage on her mission, but was later slaughtered when he attacked Kary, the Fiend of Fire, in Gurgu Volcano.
According to Clevinger, Black Belt is permanently dead; even so, many fans apparently had a hard time accepting this and came up with various theories how Black Belt could be revived, the most persistent of which was bringing the stone Black Belt back to life. In a later episode (entitled "Now Shut Up," which seems to indicate a certain amount of frustration on Clevinger's part), White Mage did indeed try this; however, the top of Black Belt's head had eroded away by then and he merely turned into a living blood fountain.
Black Belt is voiced by Ed in the recent flash, 8-bit Theater 5.
Dr. Swordopolis
Dr. Swordopolis is the avatar of all things sword, taking the form of a bespectacled sword that shows up occasionally in Fighter's dreams or day-dreams, trying to tell Fighter of his fate, but usually ends up being ignored. He is also capable of altering the fabric of space-time and can possess people, apparently by inserting himself into their anuses. The name 'Dr. Swordopolis' was made up for the purposes of negating Fighter's naïveté. Fighter thinks there is a close resemblance between Dr. Swordopolis and Doctor Who.
There has been speculation whether Swordopolis is just a figment of Fighter's imagination; though recently it was confirmed that he is, in fact, a supernatural entity. This is evidenced when one of Black Mage's dark Gods refers to "Swordopolis and his fool" as the opponents of himself and Black Mage. He shows up at random intervals all throughout the story-line.
Matoya
A blind witch who sends the Light Warriors on a side-quest to regain her Seeing Crystal after feeding them poisoned nightmare-inducing cookies, promising them an antidote if they return with it. She also grants Fighter the Armoire of Invincibility, instead of the Armor of Invincibility due to her poor hearing. She is almost as greedy as Thief and one time almost tricked Thief into paying her the entire kingdom of Elfland in return for his father's cure; however, Thief managed to trick her by using Super Ultra Fine Print. Recently, it was discovered that Matoya has a romantic relationship with Bahamut.
Sarda the Sage
The Wizard Who Did It and sole occupant of the Circle Cave, Sarda sends the Light Warriors on quests to recover the Four Orbs; unlike the game, where Lukahn and eleven other sages do that, while Sarda merely gives you the Rod. In addition, he can reverse time and stop it. The former was used as a plot device in one episode to get the Light Warriors a long distance quickly, while the latter was done in another episode in an unsuccessful attempt to teach Black Mage the concept of "self-sacrifice" after Black Mage took the words literally, ritually killing the other Light Warriors (whom Sarda revived). Sarda holds the Light Warriors to their "destiny", often using forceful means. He planned to be the original creator of the Universe, but White Mage got there first, ironically because Sarda thoughtlessly willed her away to a "pocket dimension" that was, unknown to him at that time, the Proto-Universe a few seconds before he got there. It was at this point that White Mage suggested he grow a mustache. In addition to time control, Sarda is also able to manipulate reality itself and, out of sheer boredom, will do so just to screw people over.
White Mage may be responsible for Sarda's insanity. When she traveled back in time and created the universe, Sarda was a few moments late. He commented about how he used all his power to get here and now all he could do was wait till the universe formed. He remained in the vacuum of space for billions of years, all alone. He began to talk to gas clouds and electromagnetic forces until the Earth formed and he found a cave to live in. He eventually regained his powers and grew a mustache.
Bahamut is the God-King of Dragons. He offers to give the Light Warriors the power of "self-realization and the power that comes with it" in exchange for the tail of the dreaded Dire Rat. This request somehow convinced Thief that the mighty God-King was actually a hobo in disguise, owing to the "fact" that "he was just pulling a prank", "dragons don't exist" and that Bahamut desired "rat tail soup". He later zapped Thief with a spell when Thief pushed his draconic patience too far, somewhat proving that he was, in fact, a real dragon. Later, it was revealed that Bahamut does desire rat tail soup, but only because it is a potent virility drug, to be concocted by his girlfriend, Matoya. Bahamut is also friends with Raven.
The Dark Warriors
The characters Garland, Bikke, Drizz'l and Vilbert are villains encountered by the Light Warriors, who have teamed up to destroy them. They are collectively referred to as "The Dark Warriors," but more commonly and accurately known as "The Dork Warriors."
Garland
The first villain faced by the Light Warriors, he is not very self-confident and overanxious to please and serve his supposed "enemies". He ended up having to be assisted by Evil Princess Sara, the alter ego of the princess whom he had kidnapped. After his first failed encounter with the Light Warriors (he was nearly beaten to death by Black Belt, which indicates that he is not a skilled fighter), he formed the Dark Warriors and began a propaganda campaign against the Light Warriors. He often expresses his desire to rule with "An iron, yet caring, fist." Garland is continually wrestling with his fear of Forest Imps, who, despite being the weakest creatures in the world, seem to possess 'clever little group tactics' in addition to an alarmingly malicious and cunning nature. Though therapy has convinced him that Forest Imps do not exist, the beasts still secretly torment him. Garland has the ability to summon huge creatures, including a giant squid, a fifty-foot tall dinosaur and a really big marmoset; the origin of these abilities is unknown. He also enjoys baking cookies.
Recently, Garland claimed to have found a way for the dark warriors to obtain a class change; as per his usual ineptitude, this turned out to be a simple switching of their clothes.
Bikke the Pirate
Bikke is the hopelessly incompetent and dim-witted pirate captain who attacked Pravoka. A very cheap man, he killed his crew by feeding them nothing but Cheetos until they all succumbed to vitamin C deficiency, or scurvy, and then surrendered his poorly maintained ship to the Light Warriors. He would have spent the money he saved gambling if he hadn't forgotten the funds on his ship. The second character to join the Dark Warriors, he desires to be called "The Claw", despite having two functional hands. Although he is a pirate captain, he cannot swim, making him a perfect member of the Dark Warriors. Bikke is known for his intense body odor and his tendency to use cliched pirate speech, characterized, for example, by interjecting "Yar" in every sentence.
Prince Drizz'l, Clan of the Dark Elves
A Dark Elf and the son of Astos. His name, a parody of the name of fictional dark elf Drizzt Do'Urden, translates from Elven roughly into "The Relentless Scourge." Drizz'l is a sword master equal to Fighter (although this was before Fighter gained enlightenment and used sword-chucks, and certainly before Fighter's class change), who he had fought to a standstill. He also trained and controlled the spiders of the Marsh Cave, including the deadly camel spider. After the Light Warriors mauled him and left him for dead, his swords were stolen by Fighter, who named them Stabby and Slashy and later used them to build sword-chucks, which he used in the fight against Kary. Despite continuing to call himself a master of sword fighting, Drizz'l never actually remembers losing these swords to Fighter and ends up embarrassing himself whenever he challenges someone, making him one of the most indispensable members of the Dark Warriors.
He became the third person to join the Dark Warriors so he could get revenge on the Light Warriors for killing Astos and because he suspects they've got connections to the Forest Elf Mafia even though he doesn't have a shred of proof. Although he is one of the very few characters in the series with a clear(er) head, he's not above making stupid mistakes of his own. Of all people, Fighter tricked him into setting him free when his spiders captured the Light Warriors, he was suckered into buying a platypus from Akbar's Discount True Guardian Outlet and he was fooled by Thief's flimsy assumed identity from Akbar's Very Effective Witness Protection Program among other things. Despite his blunders, he considers himself the most intelligent member of the group and prefers not to associate with non-elves whenever possible.
Vilbert von Vampire
An intentionally pathetic poser goth and vampire, son of Lich and fourth and final member of the Dark Warriors, he is equal to Red Mage in role-playing intensity, although he prefers LARP, as contrasted to Red Mage's stat-based lifestyle. Like any other vampire, he can be killed with a wooden stake, but apparently a punch in the neck will do too. The Light Warriors drove the Armoire of Invincibility through most of his vital organs, then his Gothicular Membrane. He was later invited by Garland to join the Dark Warriors, filling a position previously turned down by Princess Sara. His cunning plan to poison the Light Warriors failed when Garland threw the food Vilbert had poisoned away because it was, in Garland's words, "completely spoiled." Vilbert enjoys writing horribly cliched goth poetry; the Light Warriors ceased their attempts to kill him after he stopped, which may explain his reappearance in the Dark Warriors.
Running Gag Characters
The following characters appear throughout the comic as a running gag of some sort.
Onion Kid
Onion Kid has been traumatized multiple times during the course of the comic:
- The first time, he goes into shock at the sight of Black Mage's unveiled face.
- Shortly after the above, his mind gets scarred again when he witnesses the scene of Black Mage's murder of two Cornerian city guards. (Black Mage DID warn him that he shouldn't go back there unless he was "particuarly morbid", however.)
- His family is killed in their sleep by Black Mage and Thief, who do this in order to make body doubles so the Light Warriors can escape a plot to be murdered in their sleep themselves. Black Mage wrote a note informing that they were dead, but reassures the reader (Onion Kid) that they still live his heart (although that is not technically living).
- While visiting Crystal Lake, Black Mage butchers Onion Kid's first foster family because, according to him, "mistakes were made".
- Using a Hadoken, Black Mage destroys a barge filled with food and medicine for dying orphans that happens to be bound for the same orphanage Onion Kid was staying at. Since he seems to draw bad luck, Onion Kid is blamed and kicked out of the orphanage.
- When Black Mage throws an old man out of the Light Warriors' airship, he hits a house with such force as to kill everyone inside. The inhabitants happened to be Onion Kid's second loving and apparently rich foster family.
According to Brian Clevinger, Onion Kid is not through being tortured yet. It is interesting to note that every bad thing that has happened to him was, more or less, directly caused by Black Mage, although Black Mage never explicitly intends to harm the kid. (Although Black Mage would never really care about what happens to Onion Kid.)
The Real Light Warriors
The Real Light Warriors are a party made up of a Knight, a Ninja, a Red Wizard and a White Wizard. Apart from the Knight, one of these is called Barry, who is often the one who gets blamed in case they get in trouble. These four warriors were supposed to be the real Light Warriors of Destiny, as each possesses an actual Light Orb (seemingly unconnected to the Elemental Orbs the other Light Warriors are finding along their journey). They got passed over for the job by King Steve because their orbs weren't even "lukewarm with destiny", unlike Black Mage's light bulbs. Since then, they've always been one step behind the heroes. They have been condemned to die in Elfland and then rejected as the Bearded Warriors in Dwarf Land because their facial hair was "hardly destined at all". They also appear to be working in a fast food joint. When they were last seen, the not-so-real Light Warriors stole their boat, leaving them stranded on a lifeless ice sheet. Their sprites are the respective class upgrades of Fighter, Thief, Red Mage and White Mage.
Akbar
A reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell character, Akbar is a shopkeeper and master of rip-offs. Akbar delights in selling bogus items or offering shoddy services. He has sold many different flukes to the Light Warriors, including his amnesia dust, fake spells and a witness protection program. His stores consist of the following:
- Akbar's Discount Amnesia Dust Outlet (NOT talcum powder!)
- Akbar's Discount Nutrinal (sic) Outlet (NOT extremely unhealthy!)
- Akbar's Discount True Guardian Outlet (NOT pathetic creatures!)
- Akbar's Airships (NOT deathtraps!)
- Akbar Shop O' Magic (NOT one single fraudulent item!)
- Akbar's Very Effective Witness Protection Program (NOT utterly useless!)
Akbar has actually appeared as a character only twice, once when the light warriors choose Jeff's deathtraps over Akbar's store and once when Black Mage questions him on whether he is linked to the other Akbar stores, which he responds to with "I can legally answer by saying I know of them."
Whenever a character discovers the fault in Akbar's products, the scene shifts to Akbar in front of the shop the character bought the item from. Akbar is seen in front of the shop and yells "SUCKERS!" The narration during the first of these jokes stated that his shop is located in an area called Criminal City. Such was apparently the case with his next two shops. The last three shops thus far have been on the Light Warriors' way.
The Messenger and Elite Royal Guard Hank
A running gag that started early in the comic, when the Light Warriors were returning Princess Sara to the kingdom of Corneria. Several rangers and scouts were sent out to search for the returning party, but instead, they got drunk. So when one messenger returned to inform King Steve that Princess Sara had yet to be found, King Steve declared that, being the bearer of bad news, the Messenger would be put to death. He then assured the Messenger that he was joking and sent him on his way. After the Messenger left, King Steve called in Elite Royal Guard Hank and told him to "See to it that the messenger who was just in here is dead before he leaves the castle." Hank charged after the Messenger, leaving King Steve to muse, "Did I remember to tell Hank I was joking?" Occasionally, we see the Messenger deliver messages for King Steve, while still fleeing Hank, who is never far behind.
The Other Warriors
The characters Ranger, Berserker, Cleric and Rogue are another band of warriors, based on character classes from the Dungeons & Dragons games. They are collectively referred to as "The Other Warriors".
Generic Half-Elven Dual-Class Ranger
A half-elf who is very poetic and adventurous, his poetics and wit put the charm on White Mage, making Black Mage jealous. He has a dual class, both of which is Ranger; this is already twice as much 'ranger' as the human body can hold, but as pointed out by Red Mage, Ranger, being half elf and half human, has even four times the ranger that a human can hold. Ranger is extremely friendly and trusting, though a bit naive. A strange story that he told White Mage implied that he was a deranged murderer, although no other evidence has yet come up to support this.
Berserker Axinhed
In a cast of monodimensional characters, Berserker stands out because of a multiple personality. Normally a civilized gentle dwarf and a great conversationalist when he is wearing a monocle, when he loses it he flies into a blind rage in which he only speaks three vulgar words at a time while mauling whomever may be nearby. On most occasions, that victim turns out to be Thief.
Cleric
Cleric is a "miracle shopper" who makes deals with the Gods. To keep an open market, Cleric is impartial and does not have any favorites amongst the Gods, thus explaining his atheism. Cleric made a deal with a God named Raven to bring Thief back to life; in return, the trickster God bestowed him with a "healing shiv", which has shown its worth in the healing of Thief.
Rogue
Not much is known about Rogue, besides the fact that, like Thief, he's constantly scamming people, including his own teammates. However, unlike Thief, who conducts his business through contracts and legal loopholes, Rogue apparently relies on a network of shady contacts (usually he "knows a guy").
The Four Fiends
The characters Lich, Kary, Kraken and Tiamat are the evil elemental beings who are collectively referred to as "The Four Fiends". Kraken and Tiamat have not made an appearance in the comic yet, but since the comic roughly follows the plot of the game, it's safe to say they eventually will. Interestingly, both fiends that have appeared so far have managed to kill an existing character, although Black Mage was returned to his body against his will.
Lich, Fiend of Earth
An undead, immortal wizard and self-proclaimed "Master Bonescraftsman" who believes all things live to die and that the dead live to serve him. Lich confronted the Light Warriors when they finally drove the Armoire of Invincibility into his son's (Vilbert's) heart (although since Vilbert returned, it is more probable that it hit his "gothicular membrane"). He killed Black Mage by throwing him into the armoire, breaking his spine. Lich had put his soul into the Earth Orb, rendering him immortal, but Thief, being able to steal anything not nailed down and on fire (as well as some things that are), got it out by invoking environmental law. Red Mage then tossed Lich's soul behind him, where Fighter caught it on his sword and drove it into Lich's undead body, stripping him of his immortality. A minute later, Black Mage, now the ruler of Hell, used his newfound powers to banish Lich there. Unfortunately for Black Mage, however, Lich was able to repair the spines of everyone in Hell and take Black Mage's usurped position. His departing words were, "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back," a direct quote from Ghostbusters 2. Lich was last seen greeting his fellow fiend, Kary, as she entered Hell.
Kary, Fiend of Fire
Kary is a fiend who enjoys indiscriminately killing people via combustion, feeling it's the only way to prove she's evil (aside from mailing postcards to everyone, encouraging them to visit Gurgu Volcano so she can kill them). However, she overdoes it and ends up killing all her minions with little, if any, provocation.
After being routed into battle thanks to Fighter's stupidity, the Light Warriors, along with White Mage and Black Belt, were brought to Kary as her lunch. Kary had just killed off the last of her minions when she opened the sack they were brought in. As the warriors prepared to face her, Kary cut off their escape with a Wall of Flames. She then killed Black Belt by slicing him to pieces. While Thief stole the Fire Orb and Fighter kept her busy with his newly-forged Sword-Chucks, Red Mage stuffed Kary into a bag of holding and cast Ice-9 (an apparent reference to "Ice-9" from Kurt Vonnegut's novel, Cat's Cradle), an enormously powerful Ice spell, into it. White Mage then shattered the bag with her hammer, presumably destroying the bag and all its contents; much to Thief's dismay, who had filled the bag with "more riches than actually exist." Kary was last seen being greeted by her fellow fiend, Lich, as she entered Hell.
Minor Characters
The following characters all have minor, but crucial, parts to play.
Vargus
Fighter's sword master from Fighter's Camp '86. Sometimes, he appears in Fighter's flashbacks. It is not known if the Fighter's Camp is still operational.
Queen Jane
The Queen of Corneria. She has only showed up twice early in the comic, before the Light Warriors left for the Temple of Fiends. She is much more intelligent - and sane - than her husband, King Steve. However, she has not been seen since the Temple of Fiends.
King Elf
Thief's father, who was poisoned by Astos and spent a year in a deep sleep before the Light Warriors healed him using Matoya's antidote. He has a great deal in common with his son, particularly in his love of money, and is so far one of the only people that Thief seems to truly care about, aside from himself.
Jeff
Owner of "Jeff's Discount Deathtraps (Not to be confused with actual airships)". He sold the Light Warriors the Deathtrap, an airship that has become the Light Warriors' main mode of cross-continent transport even though it frequently lives up to its name. Like with Akbar, his name is a reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell character.
King Dwarf
The ruler of Dwarf Land, he decided to enlist the aid of the Bearded Warriors (who were actually the Light Warriors in disguise) when a series of fires (caused by Black Mage and Thief) threatened to wipe out his kingdom.
Gary
King Steve's left hand man (because his right hand man is and always will be Rodney the Coffee Stain). He's often disturbed by King Steve's stupidity and cruelty; however, as the king's left hand man, he feels obliged to help the king and do whatever he is told to do, which often goes against what he feels should be done.
Raven
Raven is a totemistic representation of trickery. When Thief was nearly killed by Berserker, Raven tricked Thief into thinking he was dead. At the brink of dying, Thief's soul was in his own personal Hell, in which there was nothing to steal. Thief said that he would do "anything" to get out of the personal Hell he was in; subsequently, Raven got Thief to sign a contract which Thief failed to read closely, effectively becoming the first character to out-con Thief. Raven is also friends with Bahamut.
The Dark God
One of the dark Gods Black Mage worships and the one who granted his class change. He appears to be a rival of Dr. Swordopolis, although the exact implications of this rivalry are still unclear. The Dark God is unnamed, but due to the fact that his sprite is that of Magus from Chrono Trigger, most fans call him by that name. Black Mage, on the other hand, made up the name "Darko, the Dark God of the Dark" in a pathetic attempt to convince his friends that he was, indeed, a dark God. This may be an indirect reference to Donnie Darko, but because it is out of context, it is hard to tell. His official title is "Executive Assistant to Chaos", being one of many middle managment dieties in the organization of evil.
Megahedron
Red Mage's patron deity. He is what appears to be a 20-sided die with sunglasses. Red Mage, however, claims he is nothing more than a result of his "three-point hallucination flaw." Whether or not he will continue to appear throughout the storyline is currently unknown.