Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Charles J. O'Byrne
I made a stub and then flushed it out in a day, and I think it has potential to go to GA or higher. It has been through a copy edit and proofreading by the League of Copyeditors, now I would like to get feedback and collaboration on what needs to be done to further improve this to FA (aside from getting it from 20k to 50k). MrPrada (talk) 00:43, 4 April 2008 (UTC)
Comments by PanydThe muffin is not subtle 20:38, 4 September 2010 (UTC) All in all I think this is a really good article. There are a few things which need to be changed though (most of them are very very minor). I've listed them below in the order that they appear in the article. Hope it helps and good luck!
- Lead sentence could be split into two sentences to make it a little clearer. Second sentence could also be rephrased (maybe with the quote at the beginning?), just to make it sound less wordy.
- The sentence about the book release being withheld really needs a source.
- More lead up to the priesthood part. Why did he leave litigation? It seems to be an utterly random change in careers. There must be sources on his 'conversion' (if you will). The sentence "The Kennedys have also come to rely on him for matters other than spiritual guidance." should either be explained and sourced or removed. I know he gives them money but that doesn't mean that they are relying on him. $1000 is a very small amount.
- The sentence: "School officials, wary perhaps, in O'Byrne's words, of his Ivy League pedigree," should be rewritten to make absolutely clear that it is a quote from O'Byrne rather than an opinion. At the moment it reads a little bit like an op-ed.
- The part about the children being sexually active doesn't appear to have any context in the article. It's certainly interesting but how is it pivotal to the man's career? The next paragraph doesn't actually make reference to him doing that or how it affected anything. It could be rewritten in the context of the contrast between that attitude and his later stance at Harvard and then his attitude again in the playboy article.
- How did the man's superiors determine that he didn't wish to remain in the order? Did he ask to leave? This seems important.
- The sentence: "but his service with Dean had been so impressive that he received a call from State Senate Minority Leader David Paterson" could be written from a far more neutral point of view, whilst still showing that it was his outstanding work that got him the call.
- "As Secretary to the Governor, he is seen as the "tough guy" to counterbalance the more casual Paterson" - Even if this is in the article that is used as a source, it is too much like an op-ed peice rather than an encyclopedic fact.
- "The position of O'Byrne, and his openly gay deputy secretary Sean Patrick Maloney in the Paterson administration, signals strong support of civil rights for the LBGT community" - does it? How? Just because they hired a gay person? How is this relevant to the article's subject? The quote afterwards seems as though it might be more relevant. You may want to add a sub-section on LGBT issues and go into more depth in how he supports LGBT rights. The first sentence just isn't enough to support the assertion.
- The last paragraph may need its own section. The article as a whole is not particularly neutral, and this particular part of his story seems to act as a counter-balance to the positive parts in the rest of the article. It doesn't need to be a long section, but a little more information seems appropriate.