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User:Slakr/Torch and Pitchfork Emporium

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"The smoke's where the fun's at!"

Welcome to Slakr's Torch and Pitchfork Emporium (TPE). We stock all sorts of equipment for specialty situations requiring immediate response on Wikipedia.

Locate-a-Mob™

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For no charge to our customers, we'll gladly bring you the latest angry mobs locations through our Locate-a-Mob™ service. With our patented Mob-O-Meter™ technology, we find the best hotspots and rank them the highest. At a glance:

Current stock

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Item/SKU Description
FORK-STD1
Standard issue pitchfork – good for most mob situations. Provides excellent lateral coverage, is cheap enough for giving to your supporters, and it's great for positioning the target(s) for later tarring and feathering.
TORCH-OLYM
Olympic grade EverTorch™ – With the EverTorch, you never have to worry about your fire going out. After all, what's a mob without its torch? Fuel sold separately.
FORK-HS
The HeadSplitter™ – tired of targets running up a tree, out of the reach of normal pitchforks? The HeadSplitter™ was made just for that. Simply tie a few of these around the trunk and your target will have a headache so bad they'll regret ever crossing your path. Since it's heavily weighted toward the prongs, it's great for throwing, too!
EFIG
Custom burn-in-effigy statues! – Sure, you can't write or say personal attacks, but you might be interested in sending messages to your foes in other ways. We'll custom-make a flammable likeness of your enemy, and all you'll have to do is kick the tires and light the fires! Glowing eye batteries not included.
TORCH-SAFE
ElectroSafe™ torch – never burn your fellow mob members accidentally ever again! With this battery-powered, modernized version of the old-style mob torches, you and your angry mob can be safe from those nasty third degree burns while still being able to track down your prey.

For sales associates only

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