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Henry Alford (writer)

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This article is about the American humorist, Henry Alford. For other people with this name, see Henry Alford (disambiguation).

Henry Alford
Alford in 2008
Alford in 2008
Born (1962-02-13) February 13, 1962 (age 62)
OccupationHumorist, journalist
Alma materNew York University
Notable worksMunicipal Bondage, Big Kiss: One Actor's Desperate Attempt to Claw His Way to the Top, How to Live: A Search for Wisdom from Old People (While They are Still on This Earth), Would It Kill You To Stop Doing That?
Notable awardsThurber Prize for American Humor
Website
henryalford.com

Henry Alford is a humorist and journalist who has written for The New Yorker magazine for more than two decades.[1] He was previously a columnist for The New York Times[2] and a contributing editor to Vanity Fair.[3] He has written six books, including How to Live and Big Kiss, an account of his attempts to become a working actor, which won a Thurber Prize.[4]

Sometimes called an "investigative humorist,"[5] Alford is primarily known for his first-person quests and exploits. These include creating a gourmet meal out of food purchased at a 99-Cent Store,[6] eating at a nude restaurant in Paris with his boyfriend,[7] inviting a restaurant health inspector to rate his apartment's kitchen while he was serving lunch to friends,[8] and trying to pass the National Dog Groomers Association's certification test by applying lipstick to his cocker spaniel's snout and telling the test's judge, "I like a dog with a face."[9]

His humor pieces for The New Yorker have included his imagining British taxi drivers reciting W.H. Auden's poetry to their passengers[10] (which erroneously suggested citizens of the Northern city of York speak in the Cockney dialect) and a playlet composed entirely of Eugene O'Neill's stage directions.[11] (Both are collected in the New Yorker's humor anthology, Disquiet Please,[12] and the O'Neill playlet has been taught at M.I.T.[13]) As a result of writing a 2005 article about fake words inserted in dictionaries for copyright purposes,[14] he has been credited with coining the word "mountweazel."[15]

He has contributed frequently to the Styles sections of The New York Times[16] and to the New York Times Book Review,[17] and written extensively about food[18] and travel.[19] His January 2013 article in the Travel section of The New York Times about Medellin, Colombia was referenced by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton during the Benghazi hearings.[20]

Early life

[edit]

Alford was raised in Worcester, Massachusetts.[21] He has painted a fairly rollicking portrait of his childhood; of his and his siblings' singing of Christmas carols in church, he wrote, "We can make 'Angels We Have Heard on High' sound like a scrum of Panzers."[22] He began his college career at Bard College at Simon's Rock (then Simon's Rock College of Bard).[23] Later, he transferred to New York University and worked as a casting director in the film industry for three years.[21]

Spy Magazine

[edit]

From 1988 to 1994, Alford wrote for Spy, the monthly satirical magazine edited and co-started by Graydon Carter and Kurt Andersen.[24][25] He began by sending in articles and later earned a staff writer position.[26] During his time at Spy, Alford contributed such pieces as "What if the Brontë Sisters Were a Heavy Metal Band?",[27] "How Famous Actors Sold Themselves When They Were Trying to Become Famous,"[28] and "You'll Never Groom Dogs in This Town Again."[29]

In Spy: The Funny Years, the magazine's 20th Anniversary history/anthology, Alford recounts how he was once told by Spy founder Kurt Andersen to "never curb your tendency to aphorize."[30]

Books

[edit]

Municipal Bondage

[edit]

Alford's first book, Municipal Bondage was published in February 1994 by Random House.[31] A collection of essays and articles, many of which were previously featured in Spy and other magazines, the book documents Alford's adventurous exploration of modern urban living, including his hiring of two nude housecleaners, his trying to find work as an earlobe model, his volunteering to serve as the driver for the governor of Colorado during the 1992 Democratic Convention, and his untrained attempts to pass a variety of vocational exams.

In his review of Municipal Bondage for The New York Times Book Review, novelist Robert Plunket called Alford "...a classicist, firmly in the mold of Wilde, Waugh, Benchley, and Lebowitz."[32]

Big Kiss

[edit]

Big Kiss: One Actor's Desperate Attempt to Claw His Way to the Top is Alford's memoir of his attempt, at the age of 34, to become a professional actor. In it he chronicles his summer training session at The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, playing an extra in the remake of Godzilla, his trip to improvisational comedy camp with his 69-year-old mother, his audition to voice Wilbur the Pig in Charlotte's Web, and his work on a phone-sex party line. The New York Times called the book "the definitive work on theatrical humiliation."[33]

Alford found success in his new career when he was cast as the co-host of the VH1 show Rock of Ages.[34] On the show, Alford interviewed groups of children and senior citizens as they viewed and analyzed current music videos and memorabilia from rock 'n roll history.[35] In his review of the show, Joel Stein wrote in Time magazine that Alford "elicits lines from small children that Bill Cosby sweats whirlpools trying to score."[36]

Big Kiss was also the genesis for an Off-Off Broadway show, "Big Kiss: An Evening of Humiliating Audition Stories." Co-produced and directed by his editor at Random House, Jonathan Karp, the show consisted of Alford and eight other actors performing self-written monologues about their most embarrassing audition experiences. Alford told John Tierney of The New York Times, "Once you call yourself a pathetic loser, you take that power away from others. You reclaim your pathos." Alford added, "Imagine if postal workers had an evening like this. We could save some lives."[33]

How To Live

[edit]

How To Live: A Search For Wisdom From Old People (While They Are Still On This Earth) documents Alford's journey to find and define the hard-won wisdom of the elderly. Early in the book, Alford describes the motivation behind his efforts: "If people are repositories of knowledge -- the death of an old person, an African saying runs, is like the burning of a library -- then I want a library card. I want borrowing privileges for the rest of my life."[37]

Over the course of the book, Alford speaks with and visits a number of people over the age of seventy, some famous (playwright Edward Albee, actress Sylvia Miles,[38] and literary critic Harold Bloom) and some offbeat (a Lutheran Pastor who thinks napping is a form of prayer; writer Sandra Tsing Loh's eccentric retired aerospace engineer father, who eats food out of the garbage), with the hopes that they might reveal some kind of sagacity that they have accrued over their lengthy lifespan.[37]

When Alford asks his own mother, Ann, and step-father, Will, to reflect on what they've learned from their own experiences, he is the inadvertent catalyst to the couple's divorce. The book then follows Ann as she puts her wisdom on practical display, choosing to open a new chapter late in her life.[39]

The book was named a Best Book of the Year by Publishers Weekly.[40] Newsweek called Alford "the Socrates of dilettantes."[38] Reviewer Alex Beam wrote in the New York Times Book Review that when Alford tried to pass off a 14-year-old cat as a wise individual, Beam wrote in the margin of his copy of How to Live, "Check, please!"[41]

Would It Kill You To Stop Doing That?

[edit]

Would It Kill You To Stop Doing That?: A Modern Guide To Manners is Alford's fourth book and was released on January 3, 2012. In the book, Alford acts as a tour guide for foreigners; travels to the manners capital of the world, Japan; and speaks with manners experts ranging from Miss Manners and Tim Gunn to a former prisoner and an army sergeant, all in the hopes of finding "ways we can treat each other better."[42] The book was reviewed positively by The New York Times, Publishers Weekly, The Boston Globe[permanent dead link‍], The Washington Post, and Salon.com.

And Then We Danced

[edit]

Equal parts memoir and cultural history, And Then We Danced sees Alford tackling a variety of dance forms (ballet, hip hop, Zumba, jazz, ballroom, contact improvisation) while exploring the careers of luminaries ranging from Bob Fosse to George Balanchine, Twyla Tharp to Arthur Murray.[43] The book was called "sublime" by Vanity Fair,[44][non-primary source needed] "exhilarating" by Publishers Weekly,[45] and was positively reviewed by ballerina Misty Copeland on the front page of the New York Times Book Review.[46]

Other works

[edit]

Collages

[edit]

Alford has written a number of fact-based humor articles in the style of collages. Their subject matter has included book acknowledgements,[47] politician apologies,[48] and bed and breakfast brochures.[49]

Radio

[edit]

Alford has contributed often to the public radio show "Studio 360"; his pieces include taking a former gang member to see the Broadway production of "West Side Story",[50] starting his own artists colony,[51] and creating a musical composition from the noises made by the radiator in his and others' apartments.[52]

He has also been heard on "Fresh Air",[53] "All Things Considered",[54] and the now defunct The Next Big Thing.[55]

Personal life

[edit]

Alford lives in New York City in a part of town he calls "the Adorable Restaurants district".[56] He is openly gay.[57]

Alford's website states that his love of waffles has "caused small children to call him Henry Alfun".[58]

In an August 2011 Vanity Fair article about Facebook, in which Alford likened having a Facebook page to "curating a tiny museum of ambiguous friendship," Alford wrote that his Facebook friends include "Stupid Pet Tricks inventor Merrill Markoe, actresses Martha Plimpton and Sarah Thyre, the New Yorker's Rebecca Mead and Nancy Franklin" and 124 Greek priests.

Alford graduated from Eaglebrook School in Deerfield, Massachusetts, but was kicked out of the prestigious boarding school, Hotchkiss, at age 16.[59]

On the occasion of being published in the New Yorker for the first time, Alford was told by his stepfather, "Thank God you're gay."[60]

Alford has written about his late father's bon vivantism and alcoholism. (Alford's father, inebriated, once got in the backseat of the family car and, prepared to drive but sensing something was amiss, accused his wife of having stolen the steering wheel.) Alford's father once told his wife that he had a job in Stamford, Ct., but a year later Mrs. Alford discovered that her husband was unemployed and spending a lot of time in bars.[60]

Alford is a self-described "lapsed Protestant agnostic."[61]

Other Writing

[edit]

Alford has written for The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine,[62] Air Mail,[63] GQ,[64] New York,[65] Details, Vogue, The Village Voice,[66] Tin House,[67] Oprah,[68] Harper's Bazaar, McSweeney's,[69] Publishers Weekly,[70] Los Angeles Times,[71] Bon Appetit, InStyle,[72] TV Guide, The New York Observer, LA Weekly,[73] San Francisco Chronicle,[74] Allure, and Paris Review.[75]

Interviews

[edit]

Alford has been a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno once and Late Night with Conan O'Brien twice.

Bibliography

[edit]

Books

[edit]
  • —— (1994). Municipal Bondage. New York: Random House. ISBN 978-0-679-41509-1.[a]
  • —— (2000). Big kiss : one actor's desperate attempt to claw his way to the top. New York: Villard. ISBN 978-0-679-43873-1.
  • —— (2009). How to live : a search for wisdom from old people (while they are still on this earth). New York: Twelve. ISBN 978-0-446-19603-1.
  • —— (2012). Would it kill you to stop doing that? A modern guide to manners. New York: Twelve. ISBN 978-0-446-55766-5.
  • —— (2018). And then we danced. New York: Simon and Schuster. ISBN 978-1-5011-2225-5.

Essays and reporting

[edit]
  • —— (August 10, 1998). "Shore leave". Shouts & Murmurs. The New Yorker. Retrieved February 7, 2020.
  • —— (September 1, 2014). "The kale diaries". Shouts & Murmurs. The New Yorker. Vol. 90, no. 25. p. 29. Retrieved July 29, 2019.
  • —— (May 25, 2015). "The view from the pit". The Talk of the Town. On the Job. The New Yorker. Vol. 91, no. 14. p. 27. Retrieved May 7, 2020.[b]
  • —— (June 20, 2016). "North Carolina police blotter". Shouts & Murmurs. The New Yorker. Vol. 92, no. 18. p. 33. Retrieved May 21, 2017.
  • —— (April 2, 2018). "Loose change". The Talk of the Town. Commerce Dept. The New Yorker. Vol. 94, no. 7. p. 29. Retrieved July 9, 2018.[c]
  • —— (September 17, 2018). "Waiter?". The Talk of the Town. Etiquette Dept. The New Yorker. Vol. 94, no. 28. p. 17. Retrieved November 12, 2018.[d]
  • —— (November 18, 2019). "Test drive". The Talk of the Town. Dept. of Hemlines. The New Yorker. Vol. 95, no. 36. pp. 22–23. Retrieved February 7, 2020.[e]
  • —— (June 1, 2020). "Grim". The Talk of the Town. Scare Tactics. The New Yorker. 96 (15): 12–13. Retrieved December 20, 2020.[f]
  • —— (January 25, 2021). "Cocoon". The Talk of the Town. Test Drive Dept. The New Yorker. Vol. 96, no. 45. pp. 12–13. Retrieved May 20, 2023.[g]
  • —— (May 31, 2021). "Dumplings Behind Doors". The Talk of the Town. Dept. of Automation. The New Yorker. Vol. 97, no. 14. p. 17. Retrieved August 20, 2022.[h]
  • —— (September 6, 2021). "Naked Rebellion". The Talk of the Town. The Boards. The New Yorker. Vol. 97, no. 27. pp. 16–17. Retrieved March 9, 2022.[i]

———————

Notes
  1. ^ Library of Congress catalog has a 1993 copyright date.
  2. ^ Title in the online table of contents is "In the pit at 'The King and I'".
  3. ^ Online version is titled "Do you take Sweatcoin?".
  4. ^ Online version is titled "Black napkins : the swanky-restaurant status symbol?".
  5. ^ Online version is titled "Adventures of a caftan-curious man".
  6. ^ Online version is titled "Does the Grim Reaper wear sunscreen?".
  7. ^ Online version is titled "Dressing for dinner when dinner is in a frigid curbside yurt".
  8. ^ Online version is titled "The Automat Returns, Pushing Dumplings into American Stomachs".
  9. ^ Online version is titled "Sophocles Gone Wild!".

References

[edit]
  1. ^ Alford, Henry. "The New Yorker website". The New Yorker. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  2. ^ Alford, Henry. "The New York Times Website". The New York Times. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  3. ^ "Up Front: Talking with Henry Alford. New York Times Book Review". The New York Times. September 28, 2008. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  4. ^ "About the Author. Simon and Schuster Website". Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  5. ^ "Author Henry Alford". Fresh Air. NPR. Retrieved August 19, 2011.
  6. ^ Alford, Henry (March 26, 2008). "How to Survive in New York on 99 Cents". The New York Times. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  7. ^ Alford, Henry. "Dining as Nature Intended at O'Naturel". The New Yorker. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  8. ^ Alford, Henry (September 28, 2010). "Would The City Shut Down Your Kitchen?". The New York Times. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  9. ^ Alford, Henry (1994). Municipal Bondage. New York: Random House. ISBN 0-679-41509-2.
  10. ^ Alford, Henry (April 9, 2007). "The Knowledge". The New Yorker. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  11. ^ Alford, Henry (November 23, 1998). "Unspoken O'Neill". The New Yorker. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  12. ^ Remnick, David; Finder, Henry (2010). Disquiet, please! : more humor writing from the New Yorker (Modern Library paperback ed.). New York: Modern Library. ISBN 978-0-8129-7997-8.
  13. ^ "Playwrighting I Readings". MIT OpenCourseWare. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  14. ^ Alford, Henry. "Not A Word". The New Yorker. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  15. ^ McAlpin, Heller. "The Liar's Dictionary Is A Delight from A to Z." The New Yorker. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  16. ^ Alford, Henry (June 8, 2011). "Seeking to Be Jude Law in a Swimsuit". The New York Times. Retrieved August 4, 2011.
  17. ^ Alford, Henry (October 29, 2006). "It's Her Party". The New York Times Book Review. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  18. ^ Alford, Henry (March 31, 2009). "How I Learned to Love Goat Meat". The New York Times. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  19. ^ Alford, Henry (February 17, 2008). "The Love Boat for Policy Wonks". The New York Times. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  20. ^ Alford, Henry (January 18, 2013). "I Just Got Back From Medellin". The New York Times. Retrieved January 30, 2013.
  21. ^ a b "Henry Alford". Hachette Book Group. Archived from the original on January 21, 2012. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  22. ^ Alford, Henry (December 12, 2007). "Unbelievable Holiday Stories: A Return to Good Graces, With a Helping Hand From on High". The New York Times. Retrieved June 30, 2011.
  23. ^ communication with Institutional Advancement Office, Bard College at Simon's Rock
  24. ^ Alford, Henry (April 1988). "What If The Pope Were A Dog?". Spy. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  25. ^ Alford, Henry (March 1994). "Range Interlude". Spy. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  26. ^ "Henry Alford". Hachette Book Group. Archived from the original on January 21, 2012. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  27. ^ Alford, Henry (February 1989). "What If The Bronte Sisters Had Been In A Heavy Metal Band". Spy. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  28. ^ Alford, Henry (May 1989). "How Famous Actors Sold Themselves When They Were Trying To Become Famous". Spy. Retrieved June 17, 2011.
  29. ^ "Other Letters, Other Voices". Spy. December 1991. Retrieved June 17, 2011.
  30. ^ Buckley, Christopher (December 3, 2006). "Bonfire of Inanities". The New York Times. Retrieved June 16, 2011.
  31. ^ Alford, Henry (1993). Municipal Bondage. ISBN 0679415092.
  32. ^ Plunket, Robert (March 20, 1994). "What If Unemployed Actors Worked In Banks?". The New York Times Book Review. Retrieved June 17, 2011.
  33. ^ a b Tierney, John (April 12, 2000). "The Big City; Now Staging A Revival: Humiliation". The New York Times. Retrieved June 23, 2011.
  34. ^ Tierney, John (April 12, 2000). "The Big City; Now Staging A Revival: Humiliation". The New York Times. Retrieved June 17, 2011.
  35. ^ "Henry Alford hosts the VH1 show, "Rock of Ages"". Retrieved July 1, 2011 – via YouTube.
  36. ^ Stein, Joel (March 15, 1999). "Rock of Ages". Time. Archived from the original on October 28, 2010. Retrieved June 23, 2011.
  37. ^ a b Woods, Paula (January 27, 2009). ""How To Live" by Henry Alford". Los Angeles Times. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  38. ^ a b Adler, Jerry (January 10, 2009). "Don't Forget The Owls". Newsweek. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  39. ^ Woods, Paula (January 27, 2009). ""How To Live" by Henry Alford". Los Angeles Times. Retrieved June 24, 2011.
  40. ^ "PW's Best Books of the Year". Publishers Weekly. November 3, 2008. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  41. ^ Beam, Alex (January 30, 2009). "Henry Alford's "How to Live"". The New York Times. Retrieved August 19, 2011.
  42. ^ "Would It Kill You To Stop Doing That". Hachette Book Group. Archived from the original on January 11, 2012. Retrieved June 24, 2011.
  43. ^ Alford, Henry (June 12, 2018). "Amazon.com page for And Then We Danced". ISBN 978-1501122255.
  44. ^ "Henry Alford's Twitter Page". Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  45. ^ "Editors. And Then We Danced review". Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  46. ^ Copeland, Misty (June 11, 2018). "Misty Copeland Pirouettes Through Two Books in Dance". The New York Times. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  47. ^ Alford, Henry (January 15, 2006). "I Thank You". The New York Times. Retrieved August 4, 2011.
  48. ^ Alford, Henry (October 14, 2007). "Regrets Only". The New York Times. Retrieved August 4, 2011.
  49. ^ Alford, Henry (December 2000). "The Ultimate B and B?". Travel and Leisure. Retrieved August 4, 2011.
  50. ^ "Gang Side Story". Studio 360. Archived from the original on September 28, 2011. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  51. ^ "MacAlford Colony". Studio 360. Archived from the original on September 28, 2011. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  52. ^ "The Heat Is On". Studio 360. Archived from the original on November 10, 2011. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  53. ^ "March 15, 1994". Fresh Air. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  54. ^ Alford, Henry. "Wisdom For The Ages In 'Tao Te Ching'". All Things Considered. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  55. ^ Alford, Henry. "Oklahoma!". The Next Big Thing. WNYC. Retrieved August 4, 2011.[permanent dead link‍]
  56. ^ "Up Front". The New York Times. September 28, 2008. Retrieved June 24, 2011.
  57. ^ Alford, Henry (March 31, 2009). "How I Learned to Love Goat Meat". The New York Times. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  58. ^ Alford, Henry. "Biography". henryalford.com. Retrieved July 1, 2011.
  59. ^ "Elderism #97". Henry Alford. Retrieved December 7, 2011.
  60. ^ a b Alford, Henry (2010). How to Live: A Search for Wisdom from Old People (While They Are Still on This Earth). Twelve. p. 94. ISBN 978-0-446-19604-8.
  61. ^ Alford, Henry (August 10, 2017). "Books and the 'Boredom Boom'". The New York Times. ISSN 0362-4331. Retrieved August 14, 2017.
  62. ^ Alford, Henry (April 6, 1997). "Department-Store Groupie". The New York Times Magazine. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  63. ^ Alford, Henry. "Air Mail website". Air Mail. Retrieved February 16, 2021.
  64. ^ Alford, Henry (January 2005). "Golden Globes". GQ. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  65. ^ Alford, Henry (2004). "The Best Things in Life are Free". New York. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  66. ^ Alford, Henry (November 14, 2000). "Albo Room". The Village Voice. Archived from the original on October 22, 2012. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  67. ^ Alford, Henry (Spring 2010). "Fun is What". Tin House. Archived from the original on September 28, 2011. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  68. ^ Alford, Henry (September 2010). "Things We Love Just The Way They Are". Oprah. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  69. ^ Alford, Henry. "Fall Fashion Report From A Local Correctional Facility". McSweeney's Internet Tendency. McSweeney's. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  70. ^ Alford, Henry. "The Six-Word Memoir". Publishers Weekly. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  71. ^ Alford, Henry (January 30, 2009). "Old Enough to Know Better". Los Angeles Times. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  72. ^ Silverman, Stephen. "Tina Fey Feels Gwyenth Paltrow's Pain". People. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  73. ^ Alford, Henry (May 17, 2000). "Him Write Funny". LA Weekly. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  74. ^ Alford, Henry (May 29, 2011). ""The Craigslist Murders," by Brenda Cullerton". San Francisco Chronicle. Retrieved July 12, 2011.
  75. ^ Alford, Henry (2000). Big kiss : one actor's desperate attempt to claw his way to the top (1st ed.). New York: Villard. ISBN 0-679-43873-4.
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